Attack of the cretinous zombies

When i arrived home that day something didnt feel quite right. I couldnt put my finger on it but felt edgy and alert as if in preperation for a sudden surprise or shock. Unfortunately for me, i got both.

As i entered the house they were there and within a few feet, touching distance of me. The zombies.

I stood rooted to the spot at first, petrified, speechless, fearful for my very existence. After what seemed like an age but was in reality only a couple of seconds the anger crept in. Anger at myself, i usually took precautions to make sure things like this couldnt possibly happen but clearly, today, i had made an error, misjudgement, forgotten. I had fucked up big time basically.

Fortunately my saving grace was that the zombies had not noticed me, they appeared oblivious to anything outside of their very immediate vicinity. They appeared to be attempting to communicate with each other but this was little more than grunts, wailing and general gibberish. This flow of verbal garbage seemed an accelerated and never ending deluge of horrific, acid soaked drivel. I was still terrified and had no plan of what to do next, but in an instant it came to me, i had the very instrument which could rid me of these fetid, disgusting freaks. I just had to put my hands on it.

Still rooted and trembling i scanned the room and then i saw it, only a couple of short steps away. I could have sworn it glittered and shimmered like a must have item in a game of Resident Evil. But it didnt. I silently inhaled a deep, deep breath and made my move. It was to my right on the sofa, i shuffled towards it and bent over to pick it up. Due to my nervous state a small bead of sweat dripped from my forehead on to the outstretched leg of a zombie who was sat on the floor. Surely this transferrance of fluid, even by its own miniscule weight would be enough to alert this disgusting, gaunt creature to notice me. I closed my eyes waiting for the end, for the foul, rotting teeth of these monsters to bite into my skull and destroy my brain.

But nothing happened, i opened one eye and they were STILL there in the same positions they always had been, it was almost as though these were lazy, cretinous zombies and not the shuffling kind you'd see in Romeros films. Or those fast ones in 28 days later. The zombies were still spewing forth the same pathetic attempts at verbal communication and i could have sworn one of them, who appeared to be or had been a pretty blonde woman said "OMG". Fucking hell, i was starting to lose it badly, i focused back on the task in hand, i continued to bend over and grasped my lifesaver. I turned towards the zombies slowly but confidently, i held up the device now smiling, knowing that in a second they would be gone and i would be safe. As i looked at the zombies one last time i noticed that one seemed to resemble someone i had seen on television around 25 years ago. Shit, this whole situation had bent my mind, the first thing i would the next day would be to get some sort of medical help. At the end of the day, an event like this could leave me damaged forever.

So i aimed and fired In an instant the zombies were gone and i was safe again in my own home. I stood still for a long time after this, trying to rid myself of the grotesque events and images in my mind. Hopefully i will remain unaffected by this but the likelihood is it will live with me forever.

Still one thing was for certain, i would never, ever, ever wach one second of "Im a celebrity get me out of here" again.


Al Sithee will return in: "The day i accidentally found myself humming the theme tune from the Go Compare ads."