Football crazy part 2

The sight of grown men with the minds of new born babies kicking a ball around some grass for a bit is without doubt the best way to spend a Saturday for some people. Yes, the football season is well underway in England. It's seems an age that last season ended but, in reality it was only 3 weeks ago. Fans just don't seem to be able to get enough of multi millionaires sauntering round the pitch lazily before they roll around on the floor frantically trying gain the attention of match officials. Thats not all there is to football though, let's not forget the aggressive goal celebrations such as punching a corner flag or shouting "come on" with clenched fists and fight ready posture. For the less aggressive there's always the ritual of sliding on the knees like a bored child on a wedding reception dance floor.

The great news is that the powers that be have decided to extend the football season so that we can see more of this childish, ubiquitous, game.

Brian McTaxexile, the man who is in charge of football has said. "We are pleased to announce an extension to the football season in England. We plan to gradually add more games to the calendar as people just don't seem to be able to enough of overpaid idiots pretending to give 110% for the clubs they love, until such time they leave to join another club where they can earn more cash to spend on diamond earrings". McTaxexile went on to say. "By the time the full changes are implemented the new season will have started before the current one has finished, this means that as a fan you won't have to go one second without football in your lives or on your tv screens."

This is also good news for players, fans, pundits and agents alike so we got the views of a selection of these people which you can see below.

Premier league star Terry Johnson said. "I'm not sure what to make of all this. Does it mean I have to play more? I'm not sure I like the sound of that. Oh well, I can just refuse to play or get my agent to get me in at a different club where I'll receive more money. I'll just have to kick on and see what happens but this could mess up my chances of retiring at 23."

Johnsons agent Ernie Moneybags said. "This is great for me, it will mean more players in the game and more transfers. I reckon I'll be able to make an extra few million a year just sat on my backside smoking cigars and picking the phone up. Winner!"

Pundit and ex England international Clive Mediocre was also excited. "I can't wait for this, I love spending a Saturday sat round a table with my mates discussing who isn't playing that day for two grand a time." Mediocre cheekily added. "I'll still have one eye on the GG's though, even when I'm working, I like to see where my two grand has gone!"

Dedicated fan Tommy Skint said. "In principle this is great news but it's going to hit me in the pocket. I'll find the money from somewhere though, I'd die for my beloved Rovers! That club is everything to me. I proposed to my girlfriend the day we signed Terry Johnson and our little boy is named after the whole of the team that lost in the fifth round of the FA cup in the 79-80 season."

So it seems that with these plans in place you'll never have to spend a weekend without getting disappointed that your club lost 3-0 and needs a new striker. In the words or 80's popster Limahl out of Kajagoogoo (he was the singer, not the one with the massive teeth) football is indeed "A never ending story".

EU referendum. The truth about potatoes.

There's a sign in the Five Guys burger restaurant in my local shopping centre. It gives the location the potatoes used to make the fries came from. I've seen the sign many times, the spuds come from Holland. I have no problem with the Dutch or their potatoes for that matter but this got me thinking. Is there a similar establishment in Holland using British potatoes? If there isn't then we are importing more than we are exporting. This is not right. If there is this means that we, as the consumer aren't getting a fair deal. There would be an extra cost in getting the spuds from Holland onto your plate here & vice versa because someone has to bring them a much greater distance & use more fuel to get them here. This is happening due to the EU encouraging trade between countries but in reality it means this:

Being in the EU means we pay more for our potatoes & they aren't as fresh when you get them as the ones that are grown locally. 

Think about it. I'm making a point about potatoes but the same point can be applied to other goods traded between all EU countries. If you could only get potatoes from Holland I wouldn't have an issue with this but as we all know we can grow potatoes pretty much anywhere, so it makes no sense for any country to export them. Unless someone, somewhere is making a ton of money out of us the consumer in export & delivery costs? Maybe that's why Five Guys charge the astronomical prices they do for their fries.

Maybe nobody knows exactly what will happen should the UK vote leave but I can promise you this. If you vote leave your potatoes will be cheaper & fresher. The EU is a con & my point here proves it. Someone, somewhere is coining it in & then trying to fool us into thinking we are getting a good deal. The ones getting a good deal are businesses not consumers. Not just consumers in the UK but consumers in all countries of the EU because it seems we are all paying too much for our goods. The whole of Europe is being conned by the decision makers, big businesses & politicians who tell us we are financially better off when we aren't. These people are overcharging us all for goods then lying to us afterwards. These people tell us we are better off in the EU when what they really mean is I am better off in the EU. If I'm right leaving the EU will make us better off when we get to the supermarket checkout. 

What are you going to do about that?

P.S who do you trust, me or the prime minister?

Review of 2015 rugby World Cup so far.

Review of the Rugby World Cup so far.

The 2015 tournament is currently being held in England. The tournament has 20 teams competing to be world champions. It began in mid September and will end on 31st October at Twickenham.

I am English so have been cheering for the host nation, secondary to this I have been cheering for Canada, a country which I love and have a fairly solid team with some really great powerful backs.

The tournament started with England having a "job done" match against Fiji. England won the match scoring 4 tries and thus securing a bonus point for their efforts. England did what they needed to do, won the game with little scope for any great criticism but they would still need to improve having to face Wales and Australia later in this group stage. One of these great rugby nations would be eliminated from the tournament in what on paper and on the pitch was a group of death.

In other groups we were treated to a game that will go down in World Cup history when Japan played the mighty South Africa, a nation that has won the tournament previously. Japan were 3 points behind with only a few minutes left on the clock, they were applying pressure to South Africa and going for the win. They had opportunities to kick penalties to get a draw but to their credit played on endeavouring to get a try and actually win the game. Japan went about their business with hustle and without panic, they pressured South Africa on their try line and the clock wore on. The game ends after 80 minutes but if the ball is in play at that time play continues until the ball goes dead or out of play. Japan sustained this pressure for around 7 minutes, never losing their discipline and at 84 minute mark scored a try that shocked the rugby world. Japan managed to beat South Africa and all of the rugby world (except South Africa) rejoiced. To put this in perspective this was the equivalent of Godzilla taking on Superman, Dr Manhatten, the Loch Ness Monster, the Kraken, Jaws, King Kong, the SAS, James Bond (when Roger Moore played him) and winning! That said South Africa got their act together in the rest of their groups and progressed to the quarter finals with ease. The awesome Bryan Habana scored a few true securing  legendary works status for himself and the rough-house No. 7 Berger continues to strike fear into the opposition by being, for my money the most physical player in this tournament.

I need to mention Scotland who surprised me by how good they look. They haven't had a good team for a while but they easily earned their place in the quarter finals. A much improved team worthy of their QF spot.

I managed to get tickets to see Canada play Italy at Elland Road and Romania in Leicester. Canada impressed me and had a much better team than I thought they would have. They were leading in both games and fell short at the end losing narrowly. The wily, more experienced Italy were lucky to beat them as Canada were the Better team throughout. The Romanians however, again behind during the match powered through to beat a tired Canada in the final moments of their game. In some respects Canada were unlucky but in others they just didn't have the technique and kicking skills to lead them to victory. That said they are very effective running forward and looked as good if not better than most other teams in the tournament. Canada have some powerful backs and a nippy fly half with good hands. The future looks good for them. Credit to Romania, they wore Canada down and secured a famous win which sent them into wild celebrations. One Romanian fan could not contain his delight and ran wildly up and down at the front of the stand. This was taken in good humour and humility by the Canadian fans, some of whom took the time to shake his hand and congratulate him. Would that have happened in soccer? No, no it wouldn't. I was surprised by the number of Canadian fans who outnumbered both the Italian and Romanian fans greatly.

Now to England. Pre tournament I did not think England had the team to win this tournament. I was also sorry to see that Nick Easter didn't make the squad. Easter is a favourite of mine and even though he's 37 I still felt he would be a good, experienced squad member.
The key, for me, to Englands World Cup campaign was Wales, another proud rugby nation who have had excellent team for many years. England led for most of the game but committed the cardinal son of sitting back on their lead. Something which you really shouldn't do in rugby. England controlled most of the game but as the match unfolded England did what they do best, they fave away a stack of penalties. Wales capitalised on this with their truly world class kicker Dan Biggar. He was calm and confident securing points for his team and thus enabling Wales to take the lead with moments to go. Despite this there was a glimmer of light when England were awarded a penalty which, if executed would tie the game. The kick would have to be taken from a wide position and it was not easy or guaranteed. What would England do, take the kick and live to fight another day or attempt to replicate Japan and steal a late dramatic victory? For me, I hoped they would kick for the draw, this would put the pressure on Wales to beat Australia and give England the breathing space to maybe lose to Australia but still qualify. England had a top quality kicker in Owen Farrell, every one of kicks that night had gone straight through the middle of the posts with no deviation. For me, he was even better than Wales Dan Biggar who as I've said is an exceptional kicker. Anyway England went for the try, lost the next line out with a whimper and Wales secured the win. A bad decision in my mind but at least they were competitive enough to try and win the game. That said, it was a game they could afford to draw so the risk vs reward was misplaced. Well done Wales, who capitalised on an England that were too scared to win the game until they were behind. I suspected England would not progress to the knockout stages of the tournament following this.

Hey, I was right, Australia easily beat England in their next game and English rugby hearts were broken. Australia's key players performed and England just couldn't cope.

England played Uruguay in their last game and hammered them with Nick Easter (who had now been drafted into the squad scoring 3 tries). A bittersweet victory as it panned out because if England had drawn against Wales they would have gone through to the quarter finals. They didn't deserve to go through, simple.

A special mention to the Wales vs Australia game where Wales had 10 minutes of pressure in Australia's 22. Wales piled it on but Australia soaked it up in a gutsy defensive period played which ended fruitlessly for Wales. They were disappointed not to score but for the neutral it was great, physical intense rugby. Both teams should be proud of their efforts.

A great tournament so far.

Interview with a cretin

Having no interest in pretty much anything and in tandem with the fact i am a miserable, pedantic sod i thought i would waste some time pretending i had interviewed a team GB athlete from the 2012 Olympics.

Here is my pretend interview with a pretend person:

AL: Well you just missed out on qualification for the final of this event, what are your initial thoughts.
GB: You know, gutted you know, its, you know, gutting.

AL: It certainly looked like you were in with a shout until the last few seconds, that must be a huge disappointment?
GB: Yeah, no, yeah. Well obviously i gave it my all, you know and you know it just wasnt erm, enough you know, obviously. I gave 110% you know but, you know, it like just wasnt enough.

AL: You cant give 110%, 100% is the most you can give surely?
GB: Yeah, 110%.

AL: The crowd certainly got behind you what was the atmosphere like?
GB: Wow, you know, the crowd were like, you know amazing. You know, obviously you cant hear anything you know, you know, it was so loud, amazing.

AL: Still, those 4 years of hard work got you to the Olympics. Yours has been a story of tragedies, like when you dropped your car keys down a grate and also when you left your washing out in the rain and it got a bit damp.
GB: Yeah, you know, obviously i still cant believe i made it, you know, its like you know, a dream come true, you know.

AL: Any thoughts on retirement or will you be going for Rio 2016?
GB: You know, obviously i need to rest you know, obviously, and be with my family you know, they've been like amazing you know. Obviously, you know it depends on how much they pay me for sitting on my backside in the jungle for a fortnight. You know.

AL: Are you actually capable of stringing together sentence that actually means something?
GB: .....?????

AL: You're a bit thick arent you?
GB: Obviously.

Etc..........

Review: Eurovision 2012

Ok, so this years Eurovision song contest isnt even half way through yet but the votes are in, this is a record as 15 acts still have yet to perform. This years winners are likely to have been act number 6 from Russia, basically they were 6 old ladies singing about having a party whilst they baked biscuits, or something. Crazy, but anything has to be better than the out of tune aural assault by act number 3, Albania. Ive rarely seen any act anywhere that could sing as badly as this, although UK's entry of some years ago "Gemini" spring to mind.

Anyway, in between all that there was the usual europop stuff that if you listen and close your eyes makes you think you are in a small bar in Corfu, or somewhere. Nothing to write home about really.

So, how did the home nations fare, well the United Kingdom came last with 4 points given to us by our neighbours Ireland who just pipped us by 75 points and came a respectable 4th. Despite having 2 crazed simpletons on their team. The rest of europe decided to ignore us for 3 hours but normal service will be resumed shortly when they become our friends again and want us to help them out of their own respective fiscal crisis.

And we will.

On a more positive note rumour has it the UK and Ireland will be joining forces next year in a bid to dominate and secure victory, Bono will be doing a duet with Alex Sotheran. Its a cover version of "Anything for my baby" by New York rockers Kiss.

Eurovision fact: The stage is as big as a football pitch but only a maximum of 6 people are allowed to perform. So its like a football match but with less idiots taking part.

Retro TV review

Ok,so i thought id review some old tv programmes, here goes.

The Crystal Maze

This show was conceived by its host Richard O'Brien, it was hi-tech, totally new and cost a bomb to make. The premise was that a team of six adventurers would enter the Crystal Maze which was divided into 4 zones. Aztec, Futuristic, Industrial and Council Estate Back Alley. Within each section the adventurers played a series of games which were split into, physical, mental, skill and mystery catergories. The team captain would choose which member would play each game. Should the adventurer succeed and beat the game they would win a crystal which was worth 5 seconds of time in the Crystal Dome, more of this later.

The team consisted of 6 strangers, 3 men and 3 women, the women had to have crazy hair and the men had to have massive taches. In order to be selected to go on the show you had to either be a computer programmer or estate agent, also if you were a man you must be called Steve or Graham and if you were a woman you had to be called Helen or Nikki. People with any deviation from the above pre-requisites were not allowed to play.

When a player was selected to play a game Mr O'Brien would instantly start frothing at the mouth and running around the maze in a frenzied fashion. He would then show the team member into a room and inform them how long they would have to play the game, usually between 2 and 3 minutes. Regardless of how long the game would last the team member would inevitably stand in the room with a vacant, blank expression whilst the rest of the team shouted at them through the door giving them instructions and generally being cretinous.

A few of the games were to be fair impossible but most were ridiculously easy, unfortunately Mr O'Brien and his researchers picked a team of absolute fuckwits every week. Some of these twats were barely able to grasp and understand their own surroundings let alone steer a remote control car through a small model landscape. How these idiots held down jobs was a mystery but occasionally even the dumbest of the dumb managed to beat the game and win a crystal. The celebrations following this small victory were legendary and the looks on the faces of the adventurers would usually fall somewhere between a mid-sized orgasm and winning a million quid on a scratch card.

Eventually when the team had played games in each zone they would take the crystals they had won (usually 4) to the Crystal Dome which was a large dome shaped like one of the crystals they had won. Each crystal would grant the team 5 seconds of time in the dome to collect bit of gold paper that were being disturbed by a massive fan on the floor. There were also evil silver bits of paper and if one of these was collected it cancelled out a gold one. The team had to get 50 gold tickets after any silver ones had been deducted. Should the team do this (not likely due to their collective thickness) then they would be rewarded with a prize which would normally be half a days canoeing or clay pigeon shooting.

The show was well conceived but spoiled by the brain dead (but excellently coiffured)competitors that were partaking each week. The show was of a scale that had not been seen before and the actual area of the Crystal Maze was the size of 4 football pitches, making it the only man made structure you can see from space.

I give it 5 on 10, good programme but spoiled by contestants that were thick as pig shit.

Attack of the cretinous zombies

When i arrived home that day something didnt feel quite right. I couldnt put my finger on it but felt edgy and alert as if in preperation for a sudden surprise or shock. Unfortunately for me, i got both.

As i entered the house they were there and within a few feet, touching distance of me. The zombies.

I stood rooted to the spot at first, petrified, speechless, fearful for my very existence. After what seemed like an age but was in reality only a couple of seconds the anger crept in. Anger at myself, i usually took precautions to make sure things like this couldnt possibly happen but clearly, today, i had made an error, misjudgement, forgotten. I had fucked up big time basically.

Fortunately my saving grace was that the zombies had not noticed me, they appeared oblivious to anything outside of their very immediate vicinity. They appeared to be attempting to communicate with each other but this was little more than grunts, wailing and general gibberish. This flow of verbal garbage seemed an accelerated and never ending deluge of horrific, acid soaked drivel. I was still terrified and had no plan of what to do next, but in an instant it came to me, i had the very instrument which could rid me of these fetid, disgusting freaks. I just had to put my hands on it.

Still rooted and trembling i scanned the room and then i saw it, only a couple of short steps away. I could have sworn it glittered and shimmered like a must have item in a game of Resident Evil. But it didnt. I silently inhaled a deep, deep breath and made my move. It was to my right on the sofa, i shuffled towards it and bent over to pick it up. Due to my nervous state a small bead of sweat dripped from my forehead on to the outstretched leg of a zombie who was sat on the floor. Surely this transferrance of fluid, even by its own miniscule weight would be enough to alert this disgusting, gaunt creature to notice me. I closed my eyes waiting for the end, for the foul, rotting teeth of these monsters to bite into my skull and destroy my brain.

But nothing happened, i opened one eye and they were STILL there in the same positions they always had been, it was almost as though these were lazy, cretinous zombies and not the shuffling kind you'd see in Romeros films. Or those fast ones in 28 days later. The zombies were still spewing forth the same pathetic attempts at verbal communication and i could have sworn one of them, who appeared to be or had been a pretty blonde woman said "OMG". Fucking hell, i was starting to lose it badly, i focused back on the task in hand, i continued to bend over and grasped my lifesaver. I turned towards the zombies slowly but confidently, i held up the device now smiling, knowing that in a second they would be gone and i would be safe. As i looked at the zombies one last time i noticed that one seemed to resemble someone i had seen on television around 25 years ago. Shit, this whole situation had bent my mind, the first thing i would the next day would be to get some sort of medical help. At the end of the day, an event like this could leave me damaged forever.

So i aimed and fired In an instant the zombies were gone and i was safe again in my own home. I stood still for a long time after this, trying to rid myself of the grotesque events and images in my mind. Hopefully i will remain unaffected by this but the likelihood is it will live with me forever.

Still one thing was for certain, i would never, ever, ever wach one second of "Im a celebrity get me out of here" again.


Al Sithee will return in: "The day i accidentally found myself humming the theme tune from the Go Compare ads."

The godfather

This is my interpretation of the film the Godfather. It is not specifically a review of the film.

This man has done this bad thing to this other man who in turn speaks to this other man who cant talk properly. The man who cant talk properly then gets the man who did the bad thing (he doesnt do it himself though, he gets someone else to do it because he is a coward).

Then another man who does not like what the cowardly man has done does a bad thing to one of his friends. He then gets some other men to hurt the cowardly man (he doesnt do it himself though, he gets someone else to do it because he is a coward).

Then loads of other men start getting each other and their friends start getting them back. Some of the cowardly mans family get killed but he doesnt seem too bothered, he just sits in an office with the blinds closed.

Basicaly everyone just keeps getting each other and by the end everyone has forgoten why they started getting each other in the first place. Lots of people die but that doesnt matter as honour is maintained. Phew!

Britains Got Talent

Ok, i had no choice but to sit through most of this years final of Britains Got Talent, i was outvoted 3 to 1 by my cretinous friends as to which channel to watch. So, i had to sit through the damn thing so thought i might as well give my opinion of the acts. In no particular order:

1 - Stephen Hall. This guy is supposed to be a dancer and his appeal to the masses seemed to be his age, comedy factor and the fact that he does not look like anyone you would expect to get up and dance. The crowd seemed to love him and he came 7th, not bad for someone who clearly has no talent and doesnt care what people think of him. I considered giving a middle-high score but if you saw him do that at a wedding you'd cringe with embarassment. Why should it be seen as talent just because he did it on TV. This idiot scores 0 on 10.

2 - Paul Gbegbaje. Paul is clearly a talented pianist and a nice guy. His performance was very good & i liked it very much. I considered giving him a high score until Paul mastered his own downfall & dropped a bombshell when speaking with the judges. Paul said he wrote the piece himself, which i was initially impressed with. After giving it some thought though i recalled that his piece was actually a rip off of Mr Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne, so Paul did not in fact write the piece himself. Liars only score 0 on 10 in this blog.

3 - James Hobley. James is decent dancer & a polite young man, i hope his friends & family are very proud. I thought his act was quite good & James clearly will have a career in the performing arts. Unfortunately James told the Judges he did not choreograph his own routine which makes him a bit lazy/thoughtless. There is no room for a "let someone else do it attitude" in this blog, oh, and Stephen Hall beat him and he wasnt even a proper dancer. James scores 0 on 10.

4 - Ronan Parke. Ronan was an excellent singer, im sure he will have a great career even if he does look like Peppermint Patty from Peanuts/Charlie Brown. There has been some hullaballoo about Ronan & it was mooted that the competition was rigged to let him win, despite there being no evidence to support this. In view of this fact i think it would be inapropriate to consider scoring Ronans performance. Sod it, no one likes cheaters, 0 on 10.

5 - Jean Martyn. Ahh, the cretinous, gurning boogie woogie pianist. This was utter, utter rubbish of the lowest order. I cant believe even one person liked this out of time, ivory-tickling idiot. Top tip Jean - stop waving at the audience during your act, it will help if you use both hands whilst playing, that way you might have a chance of hitting some of the notes you intend to. You've guessed it 0 on 10.

6- Les Gibson. Possibly the worst impressionist ive ever heard in my life. I think it all went wrong on the night for Les as apart from his take on David Hasselhoff none of the other voices remotely sounded like the people they were meant to. Top tip Les - A good impressionist does not need to tell their audience who they will be impersonating prior to doing the actual impression. He made the Krankies look good, 0 on 10.

7 - New Bounce. Good singers, thought they might've won, however there were four of them and all the other contestants were performing alone. No one likes being ganged up on, 0 on 10.

8 - Jai Mcdowall. An excellent singer & worthy winner, when he & 12 year old Ronan Parke were the final two i thought Ronan would win. So well done Jai, i feel i should give you a high score, you beat the kid who some thought was going to win from the start. Hang on a minute, Jai is 24 and Ronan 12, make you feel like a big man Jai? No one likes bullies 0 on 10.

9 - Some guy doing robotics or something. I didnt actually see this fellow but i gather he was voted out earlier in the competion then allowed back in for the final. I could be wrong about that but its unlikely. Anyway, it was obviously engineered for you to be in the final & you were lucky to get a second chance. So you had 2 chances and still f****d it up, 0 on 10.

10 - Michael Collings. This lad had a great voice & one of the few acts to actually have even a modicum of talent. I thought he might've done better than he did but he might make a living in showbiz. I felt compelled to give him a high mark but there was a niggling thought in the back of my head stopping me. Then it clicked, Michael did his act sat on a stool when all the other acts were stood up. Britains got talent? Britains got laziness more like, 0 on 10.

There you have it. Proof that the viewing public would rather watch idiots with little or no talent than professional people who can actually sing dance etc. It seems viewers would rather see poor performances than good ones. Have a think about it, its true because its true.

This country.

Every six seconds - Part 4a

London had failed.

After almost 20 years in the business he had failed, for the first time ever. Failed. He sat back & tried to relax, it was no use, he couldnt sleep & even his fourteenth straight JD couldn't begin to fuzzy his edges. London laughed silently to himself, there he was, all expenses paid, drinking JD's in business class courtesy of his boss Irvine, when all he had done was failed. Irvine, shit, when he reported in to him it was over. Irvine had seen a lot in London, he had taken him under his wing & taught him all he knew, well almost all, he never disclosed the full details of The Rocket.

London, sighed knowing that when he landed in a couple of hours he wouldnt have long left to live. Irvine did not accept failure, no matter who you were. London ordered another ironic JD contemplating his one & only failure, the weird thing was that even though he knew he was going to die soon he was still curious about The Rocket. He recalled the last meeting he had with Irvine almost 6 weeks ago, playing it over & over in his mind.

"So you see London, we need to get someone on the inside to provide the details about The Rocket. I know whats inside it but i need to know when & where that thing is lifting."

London nodded, "Anyone in mind on the inside, securitys going to be pretty tight in there?"

"Dont worry, we've found someone very malleable, here, take this."

Irvine passed London a brown paper file, London opened it & smiled. "Fucking hell, i havent seen this scrawny little fucker since school. If he's our man this is going to be easier than i thought. Wheres he living now?"


"Oh you know him, excellent, you can have a beer with him before you beat the information about The Rocket out of him. He's in New Mexico, you're leaving tonight."

"Doesnt sound too tricky Mr Irvine, but what is it about The Rocket that makes you want it so bad?"

Irvines face dropped, he did not like being questioned. "London, London, London. If you knew that, you'd be ME & i'm already ME, i like being ME & i'm fucking good at being ME. So how about, YOU continue being YOU, I continue being ME & you take your curiosity outside & put it in the fucking bin 'cause you dont need it sunshine."

London - "I'm sorry Mr Irvine, i just wanted to know, you know."

London hung his head slightly & on seeing this Irvines expression appeared to soften slightly, he approached London & put his arm around his shoulder. "You know London, sometimes you are too curious, you ask too many questions, all you need to know is that if you dont get me The Rocket, well, you know what will happen."

London snapped out of his thoughts just as the plane hit some turbulence, he was sweating now & for the first time in his life scared. He had considered running, the world was a big place but he didnt want to live the rest of his life sleeping with a hammer under his pillow & a nine iron next to his bed. He had to face Irvine directly & take the consequences of his failure. The consequences being, his own death.

To be continued.

Operation "Barchetta"

Part 1 - Middletown Dreams
"Dreams transport desires drive you when you're down, dreams transport the ones who need to get of town"

You know when sometimes you just need a break, get away from the job, people & life you have. Well i had been feeling a bit like that lately, so at late notice i booked a couple of days off work & booked a trip to the Scottish highlands, Isle of Skye here i come.

I needed a new cd player in the Falcon so purchased a Kenwood & got Big Paul to fit it for me. I borrowed a satnav from my brother & calculated the journey at over 9 hours, i planned to do a night drive with plenty of stops so estimated the journey would take at least 11 hours. Due to the prospective hours id spend behind the wheel i made a packed meal & got loads of cd's, the playlist for the trip would be, amongst others:

Rush
Marillion
Yes
Coheed and Cambria
Steve Vai
10cc
Foo Fighters
Dire Straits

I set off at 2300hrs, put my faith in the satnav & headed up the motorway taking a route which would pass Glasgow & then into the Highlands where i would take a ferry to Skye. Things were going well until i hit the outskirts of Glasgow then the satnav i had placed my faith in (i hate the f***ing things to be honest) started to develop a mind of its own. The satnav then diverted me straight across Scotland towards Perth but never having been north of Newcastle before stuck with it. I drove on for hours & the first shades of light began to permeate through the blanket of darkness on the Scottish sky. As the light grew i began to see how beautiful my surroundings were, which actually caused me a problem. I was so trasnfixed with the natural beauty that i had to keep pulling over & taking photos of the surroundings. One great place in particular was at Glenngarry, there is a parking spot & a viewpoint over a fantastic loch. I stood high above the loch i coudl see that it the way that the boundaries of it actually made resemble a map of Scotland, which i later found it is referred to.

Carrying on into the crisp morning i stopped a few more times, once just after Glenngarry where i realised i was actually above some low clouds, the sun was out & it was a fantastic view. As naughty satnav had f***ed up my route i ended up going a different way to Skye, over the Skye bridge which i was led to believe actually cost over £5 to cross each way. The Skye bridge is a massive structure that cover the gap between the Scottish mainland across to Skye, the distance is only short however & a boat crossing would probably only take a few minutes. Anyway after being on the road for over 10 hours i had finally hit Skye, bonus as well, there toll on the Skye has been abolished. Good job, i would be driving about 1,000 miles on this trip & the Falcons 2.7 litre V6 loves petrol!

I was staying in a place called Portree, which i think is the largest settlement on the island & home to about 2,000 people. I would be at my destination in about 30 miles, the sun was shining, it was a good day & i was pleased to be nearing the end of an epic drive.

Thanks

I havent updated the blog for some time, sorry for those have expressed an interest. I hope to post more soon.

I have noticed that i have many comments posted for which i thank you all but unfortunately many are in chinese/mandarin. I respectfully ask that if possible you could post comments in english as i dont understand what is being said. That way i may be able to reply to you and respond to your generous comments.

Thank you all,

Al SIthee.....

Operation "Bamboozle" Part 5

Martian Landscape - "Martian Landscape, i'll learn to lie in your arms. Where all the freedom is mine and it comes."

We woke & had breakfast in the Cabin before our transport arrived to take us to the Blue Lagoon. This place was the main reason i had come to Iceland after hearing about it from Tim & Sean & seeing loads of pictures i couldn't wait to get there.

The Blue Lagoon is a massive geothermal outdoor pool right in the middle of nowhere in a kind of prehistoric-volcanic landscape. I was half expecting Doug McClure to meet us at the entrance but he couldn't make it because he died about 10 years ago. Seawater from 2000 metres below the surface of the earth is pumped up into the pool & kept at a hot temperature, the water is flushed & replaced every 40 hours We checked in, got changed & made our way outside. As we left the building it was freezing cold so we got straight into the white-blue milky water. It was very warm in there & instantly relaxing, i could feel some sandy type substance on the bottom, i reached down & pulled some of it up to the surface. I couldn't believe it, the sand was black with silver specks in it, there was no way that looking in the pool from the surface you could have guessed the sand was black. White-blue water, black sand, it's impossible.

We walked on through the pool & luckily it seemed a quiet day at the lagoon as there weren't many people around. Vlad the Impaler had criticised the lagoon saying was too touristy but plainly he was wrong & full of horseshit. This is what happens when you hang around with trowels, spades & hoes for too long.

Anyway the floor of the lagoon turned into mud so i put my hand down to see what that was like & pulled up some white-blue paste which as it turns out could also be found in wooden pots around the edge of the lagoon. It was an exfoliating substance which i am told can take 10 years off your appearance, i doubt that very much, but it was still nice to rub on my skin. As we went on the floor turned to rock in some parts & we found a nice spot to sit & relax. We got talking to a couple from Portland, US & mentioned we'd met a couple of guys from San Diego (Tim & Sean) who had been our drinking buddies for the last few days. This couple had met Tim & Sean a couple of days earlier in the Lagoon saying "they were trying to hook up with college girls" yep, sounds like Tim & Sean. Let it be known from this day forward that Tim & Sean are the "Blue Lagoon Legends".

As we relaxed there i took a look around the surrounding landscape, as i said earlier we in smack bang in the middle of an area of volcanic rock with nothing else for miles around. I surveyed the landscape & thought that at any moment Doug McClure might come running over one the mounds of rock with an old rifle in his hand closely followed by a T-Rex. This didn't happen, Mr McClure has been dead for around a decade & the dinosaurs a little bit longer than that, never mind, back to reality. I could not grasp how we were in the middle of such an area yet still living in the year 2010, it's impossible!

Whilst chatting to our Portland friends i noticed that my body under the water was hot but when i put my arm above my head it was freezing cold & my hair had frost on it! Imagine that, i was warm up to my shoulders but above my head was freezing cold. It's impossible. We then made our way toward a man made waterfall in a corner of the lagoon. I stood underneath it & spread my arms wide, the water was pulsating all over me, it was so powerful it felt as though i was being massaged by about 4 people all over my arms & shoulders. Absolutely brilliant, i had not a care in the world at this point.

After what seemed like an age in the pool TK suggested we get out & go for a sauna/steam room, so we did. We left the lagoon & went in the aforementioned steam room, which was like some sort of octagonal hut with wooden benches inside. I half-imagined that Doug McClure would come walking in at any moment covered in animal fur, with an old rifle in his hand & Caroline Munro on his arm saying we had to leave because the nearby volcano was "Gonna blow". Anyway that didn't happen Doug's been dead for some time & the volcanos in Iceland respectfully didn't erupt, although one did about a week after we got home.

After this we went for an ice lolly & glass of water before having another hour or so in the lagoon. As i returned there i floated on the surface for a good 10 minutes, during this time i relaxed totally, with my face poking out of the water & eyes closed drifted off into the closest thing to an "out of body experience" i have ever had. My limbs & body were so relaxed i felt as though i was spinning in space, i couldn't hear anything & felt nothing at all other than this sensation, absolutely brilliant. I didn't want to leave & neither did TK, we both loved it there. Anyway time got on, we eventually left & got changed ready for a meal in the lagoon's restaurant. I had a fantastic fish soup, followed by shrimp & langoustine pasta, gorgeous. TK had a Caesar salad & he said it was more salad than Caesar, i have no knowledge of such things & said to TK "What is this SALAD that you speak of". Shortly after we left the lagoon & i felt brilliant, the lagoon is a truly mesmerising place, a relaxing experience & everything i thought it would be. I would urge anyone, anywhere to go there, it is absolutely AWESOME.

We got our bus back to the Cabin before going for a night out at Bjarni Fel. We arrived there & watched a football match, whilst drinking beer & cocktails before "The Blue Lagoon Legends" joined us for more beers, shorts, etc. Oddny & Jenny also made an appearance to wish us well. We left Bjarni Fel at about 1.30 am & walked home with Tim & Sean. We said goodbye to our new friends (top lads, big shout to the San Diego massive) & went back to the Cabin.

Obviously we went home the next day & both TK & I loved our time in Iceland. It is one of the best places i've ever been & i hope to go back one day. I love Iceland, it is brilliant but with it's landscape, local customs, black sand, food, drinks & scientific impossibilities i'd say i was "Bamboozled" by this wonderful country.

Operation "Bamboozle" was a resounding success. Thanks to TK, Jenny, Oddny, Kristin, Tim & Sean for making my holiday fucking brilliant.

Love to you all.

Operation "Bamboozle" Part 4

Beacon Hill - "What ever happened to the light on Beacon Hill, i know it's out there burning still."

Day 4 started in a lazy fashion, we had been having late drinking sessions for 3 days so this fact was starting to tell. We had a walk around Rejkyavik centre before stopping at Kaffe Solon for some dinner. This was a really nice place, cool decor & a fairly good menu. I opted for salmon (lax) for starters which was absolutely excellent followed by chicken & mushroom risotto topped with ham which was ok but nowhere near as good as the starter. After this we went to book a trip to the Blue Lagoon where we would visit on our last day tomorrow.

On the way there we bumped into Tim & Sean who were bizarrely in possession of some pre-packed whalemeat! These guys were possibly the most carniverous people i have ever met & had been trying all sorts of food such as puffin, horse, sheeps heads & whale! We arranged to meet them at Bjarni Fel later as it was Seans birthday & booked our trip to the Blue Lagoon the next day. We carried on our walk after this & found all sorts of bizarre art & sculptures dotted around the town. One piece that stood out was a large metal statue of a man carrying a briefcase who had a large cube in place of where his body and head should have been, crazy!



After a bit mire walking about we returned to the Cabin to have a bit of a rest before the Northern Lights tour later.

Unfortunately due to weather conditions the tour was cancelled so what else were we to do other than go to Bjarni Fel & get pissed up! Time & Sean joined us later along with their Latvian friend Agnes. We had a few beers, cocktails etc & i decided it was time to show off & down 6 Jagermeisters, which only took me 25 seconds! We got kicked out of Bjarni Fel at closing time & went to Tim & Seans apartment for a few late drinks. Their place was great & had a great balcony view of Hallgrimskirkja. We had a couple of drinks & tried some of Seans whalemeat on crispbread with some cheese. The whalemeat was very salty but not too bad. After this me & TK retired to the Cabin to get some much needed rest prior to or final day where we were going to visit Icelands main tourist attraction the Blue Lagoon.

Things i learned today:

1 - If you pay in Euros the Icelanders cant wait to take the money from you.
2 - Coca-Cola is made from Icelandic water & much smoother & nicer than regular Coke.

Operation "Bamboozle" Part 3

Close to the Edge - "Close to the edge down by the river"

I'd arranged an early morning call for 8am so that would give us 1/2 an hour to get ready prior to being picked up for the Golden Circle tour. The hotel reception duly called me at 8 & again at 1 minute past saying our coach driver was here & that he was going to leave without us if we didn't get up now! I rang TK to give him the good news, both of us got ready in 1 minute & managed to get on the coach in time, just. The driver took us into the town & dropped us off at the bus station so we could get a bigger coach! Why didn't the tour company just send the bigger coach in the first place. Due to our power-drinking session yesterday we were incredibly hungover & thirsty, particularly TK who looked like an extra from Dawn of the Dead. I hot-footed it to a shop & bought smoothies & fizzy pop to ease our collective hangovers before getting back on the coach.

We left Rejkyavik & made our way out into the countryside, TK was shattered & spent the journey napping whilst i had enjoyed the snow-capped scenery. As we travelled further from Rejkyavik the number of houses lessened but there were still the odd isolated property in the middle of a large field somewhere. I could handle that sort of life, nice & quiet, no litter & little traffic passing my house. After about 40 minutes we reached our first destination, Thingvellir.



Thingvellir is the site where the Icelandic parliament was started in 930AD, making it the oldest parliament in the world. We got off the coach & it was like we were on top of the world, I could see for miles & all of it covered in snow, rivers, lakes, mountains, trees, you name it was here. All in all a fantastic view. Our guide Sylka pointed out a route we had to take to meet the coach which had left & would be waiting us about a mile away. We began our walk & had to be careful as the floor was covered in ice & we were going downhill. After about 10 minutes of shuffling along using baby steps we made it to the bottom, we had a couple of small bridges to cross & as we did noticed the water under these bridges was clear blue, there were lots of coins in the bottom so presumably this was a massive wishing well. As we made our way onto the coach we saw a couple of 4X4 vehicles that another tour group were using, the tyres on these things were about twice as big as a regular 4X4 & the wing mirrors were the size of portable tv screens, clearly these vehicles would be used to negotiate some rough terrain. The coach left & we began the hour long drive to our next destination, the Golden Waterfall at Gulfoss.

We arrived at Gulfoss & upon leaving the coach could see the magnificent site of the Golden Waterfall. The waterfall is actually 2 falls in one that flow at almost a right angle to each other. The higher fall is about 15 metres high & the lower one much bigger, i believe it falls for nearly 70 metres but due to the way the land lies it's not possible to see exactly how far down it goes. This was the perfect photo opportunity so i took loads, as in Thingvellir this area was covered in snow & the waterfall & surrounding landscape was beautiful. We climbed up some steps to a gift shop & cafeteria where we had some sandwiches & soup made from lamb & vegetables which was very nice indeed. After this rest we went back to the waterfall but this time walked above it & thes view was even better, we were much closer to the cascading spray & ice covered rocks, another perfect photo opportunity. There was a large cliff that edged out above the waterfall & we were able to get to the edge & have a look over it was an excellent experience. Gulfoss is one of the best places i have ever been to and the waterfalls are beautiful, i hope to go back there one day.



Our next stop was the town of Geysir where we saw you've guessed it Geysirs, i can't explain the science behind his but basically the main active Geysir called "Strokkur" spits hot water out of the ground to a height of about 40 feet every 7 or 8 minutes. How can hot water be spewed out of the ground in a such a cold place, it's impossible.

After this we made our way to a church at Skalholt, this was a very quiet place next to a priests school. The church was serene & there was a cracking mosaic of Jesus on the back wall. I am told by Vlad the Impaler there is a sight of interest to archaeologists nearby but then again this probably a load of horseshit.

On our way to the final stop of the day Sylka told us of some bizarre local ways, for example many Icelanders believe in elves or "hidden people" as they are known. It is thought these people live inside rocks & mountains, as we drove along i noticed that there were wooden painted doors that had been attached to large rocks, clearly added by the locals to help aid the hidden people get in & out of their homes. Sylka mentioned that there was a plan to build a new road in the area & that a large rock blocked the proposed route. It was planned to move the rock but locals objected saying that this shouldn't be allowed to happen as the hidden people would have nowhere to live. As a result the road was built around the rock which stayed where it was, apparently he noise of the traffic was so loud the hidden people moved out!

Our last stop of the day was at a hydro-electric power station, a bizarre way to end the tour but if you are interested in that sort of thing it would probably fascinate you. Anyway we arrived back at the Cabin later in the early evening suitably amazed by the fantastic sights & natural beauty we had seen that day.

Later that night we went out into town to Bjarni Fel for, burger & chips & more drinks. Tim & Sean joined us later & told us about their visit to the Blue Lagoon where they had bumped into American crackpot/actress Lindsay Lohan. So after many beers & shots later we said our goodbyes & made our way back to the cabin tired & drunk after a very long day. Northern lights tomorrow!

Things i learned today:

1 - If you kill an arctic fox you can hand it to the government/council & receive a reward of around 7,000 Icelandic Kroner
2 - There are no McDonalds "restaurants" in Iceland, apparently the cost of getting the food/materials to Iceland is too great.

Operation "Bamboozle" Part 2

Higher than God - Cold as an icy stream, lighter than everything, i thought that we were higher than God.

I hadn't slept that good in my room, it was tiny & there was no room to walk about, the bed wasn't even a full sized single, this meant that every time i turned over i either banged my elbow on the wall or on a desk on the opposite side of the bed. This also meant that my neighbours in the next room were doing the same & that i could hear banging through the wall from them. When i eventually surfaced i had a shower in a tiny cubicle which i defy even an emaciated "Mr Muscle" to comfortably use. I managed it however, met TK & we went for a Sunday afternoon stroll. I was looking forward to this as we had not had any time to find our bearings last night as Oddny was driving us around & most of this was done in the suburbs of Rejkyavik.

After a quick Subway we undertook the 25 minute walk into Rejkyavik town. As it was Sunday the shops were shut & there weren't that many people around which meant we could have a good trawl through the streets & take some photos. There were a few good statues & street art/sculptures but what really took my eye was the architecture. Each building looked unique, almost as though it had been designed by a different person. We saw in the distance a large church & it looked magnificent, i had seen it in an AA (Automobile Association) guide & remembered you could go to the top of it. After having the church obscured from our view for some time as well as being distracted by other things (or getting lost) we made it to Hallgrimskirkja.

Hallgrimskirkja was built in 1974 & is a magnificent spectacle, as we approached it started to snow again & this made it all the more beautiful. I took loads of photos of it & no matter from which angle or how near or far i was from it it was truly a great sight. I was gutted when my camera ran out of juice so rectified that by going to a nearby convenience store & in my best Icelandic (whilst showing the girl behind the counter my camera) said "Batteries please." Luckily it seemed this girl had dealt with ignorant tourists such as myself on many an occasion & instantly recognised my request.

Now that i was "batteried up" we made our way back to Hallgrimskirkja & went inside. Now, as i've said before on my blogs i am in no way religious but inside this church was a sight to see. The interior was quite plain but serene & quiet, it was almost as though if you added a few elves & men with shields that this could be a set from the Lord of the rings, such was its elegance. I half expected Aragorn to enter at any time & tell me off for taking photos of this magnificent hall. There was an old guy playing the organ & as we ventured inside i turned & saw the pipes, all 5,275 of them. My fantastic organ i thought. Anyway, you could travel to the top of the church tower for 400IKR so we did, we got in the lift & went to floor 8.

We got out of the lift and entered into a viewing area which, in the centre of it had a flight of stairs which would take us even higher. I took a look out of the window and saw the tops of the buildings of Rejkyavik town and all of a sudden i had a bit of turn for the worst. I should point out i am not the best at handling heights, im ok on a plane and usually ok in enclosed high places but for some reason when i looked out of window i thought the whole building was going to crumble into pieces & i would be a bloody mosaic on the streets of Rejkyavik, silly really. I said to TK i couldn't make the stairs to the top & was rooted to the spot. Anyway i had a word with myself & managed the stairs to the top & when up there i was ok. The view was impressive & we were about 73 metres high. After a minute or two the church bell struck 3 & i nearly jumped out of my skin, good job it didn't strike when i was halfway up the stairs i would have turned back there & then. It was time to descend after this high anxiety so we did & then went to find a bar in the town.

We settled on a sportsbar called Bjarni Fel which would become our "base camp" for the rest of the trip. We had a few beers/pitchers sat at the bar & as the day went on got increasingly drunk. It was here where we met Tim & Sean from San Diego who would become our drinking buddies from now on. These lads were good company & had been skiing in Switzerland before spending a night in London then flying to Iceland. It wasn't long before we were lining up the shots, all manner of drinks were consumed, Stroh, Jagermeister & something called Seamans shot! The drinks flowed then Oddny & Kristin arrived as we had a table booked at a tapas bar, another quick drink & we said goodbye to Tim & Sean & were on our way.

The tapas bar was nice inside & we all had "Lobster fiesta" & drank 3 bottles of red wine, by this time i was getting rather drunk. Kristin & Oddny then treated me, TK & the whole restaurant to the sounds of their opera singing, opera is not my thing but they have tremendous voices & the other patrons were impressed. We were the last to leave the restaurant & then went to bar "Zimsen" for a couple of late drinks before taking our leave back to the "Cabin". After a couple of beers in the hotel bar it was bed time, so at 3am i went to sleep. We needed to be up at 8am to go on the "Golden Circle" tour which i hoped to be a highlight of our trip. It did not disappoint but ill tell you about it in part 3.

Things i learned today:

1 - The icelandic for batteries is batteries.
2 - Drinking pitchers of lager, followed by cocktails, shorts, red wine then more lager gets you very drunk indeed.

Operation "Bamboozle" Part 1

The immigrant song - We come from the land of the ice and snow from the midnight sun to the hot springs blow.

I wanted to visit Iceland about 6 years ago but circumstances & other stuff prohibited at the time. I decided to make the trip this year & asked my good mate TK if he like to come, "yes" he said so we booked it, simple. TK had a couple of friends of there so we would be able to meet them & also we booked a couple of trips online beforehand.

TK arrived at mine at 7.30am on saturday 6th March & had actually forgotten his coat! Might be needing that mate so we went back to his, picked it up & set off to Heathrow airport. We arrived there, checked in, had a quick sandwich & pint of lager before boarding our Icelandair flight & setting off. The flight lasted about 3 hours, i watched "Max Payne" a film adaptation of a video game starring Mark Wahlberg. The film looked great but the plot was as thin as chrome plating on a window, i give it 6 on 10. Anyway i digress, we landed at Keflavik airport & got a transferring coach to Rejkyavik, where it was beginning to snow heavily.

I should point out that TK is a well travelled chap, he's been all over the world, Mexico, USA, Borneo, Sweden, Thailand, Milton Keynes to name but a few. I therefore decided that i would get off the plane & enter onto Icelandic soil before him. For the first time in my life i had been somewhere TK hadn't been, even if it was for only 3 seconds until he crossed the Icelandic threshold himself! Still, that is my claim to fame & i never let him forget it whole the whole trip!

We tipped up at "Hotel Cabin" and checked in, we had a room each & upon entering mine was amazed at how small it was, the shower was also tiny & i'd have had a better chance of cleaning my ample frame in a telephone box. I went downstairs & TK was in the bar our icelandic friend Oddny, we had a couple of lagers then Oddny drove us to her house picking up her friend Jenny on the way. Oddny's driving was terrible & i have never been so scared in a car before, the snow didnt help & we were all crammed into a tiny Daewoo, possibly not ideal conditions for safe driving. Anyway, by a large miracle (or a series of smaller ones) we reached our destination.

Oddny's house was very nice with a kitchen that was bigger than my living room & kitchen combined. She cooked us a great meal comprising of lobster, pasta, mushrooms, icelandic haggis, dried fish, lamb terrine & much more besides, it was a massive spread and there was enough to feed about 10 people! We combined this with wine & various shots/shorts of the like i have never heard of before, let alone tasted. I stood outside Oddnys house & noticed how incredibly quiet it was, i could see car highlights some distance away but couldn't hear them it was pretty much silent, excellent, i could live in a place like this.

After this Oddny drove us (still badly) to a bar for a few more drinks before taking us to her friend Kristins flat where we drank more wine & shorts. Following this me & TK got a taxi back to the "Cabin" where we had a couple of beers & met an Icelandic couple at the bar, Rakel & John aka "Ivan the Terrible". I was amazed to learn that Rakel had heard of my mate "Vlad the Impalers" ninja metal band called "Sudoku", small world. We finally made it to bed at about 5 am.

Things i learned today:

- The Icelandic for "Exit" is "Utgangur"
- Taxis in Iceland are extremely expensive.

Oh, before i finish this part of the blog i should raise some awareness about Vlad. He was working as a trowel monkey in Iceland last year & will no doubt have much to say about my blogs. I suspect he may even try to dispute some of the facts i write & which will follow shortly. DO NOT pay him any heed whatsoever, he has a physical human form but is actually an alien lizard wearing fake skin who eats live rodents whole & is actually on earth so that he & his cohorts can steal our entire water supply.

New post especially for Alex

Alex, if you are reading this you are an idiot of the highest order.

xxx

Pre-Iceland babble

Had a good day today, got up about 3pm and then went to B&Q with our Chris to get some stuff for my new bathroom which he will be fitting for me when i go to Iceland. Chris is self employed and has a trade card so that means we get free coffee, mint!

Top tip - next time you go to B&Q wear dirty jeans that show your bum crack and carry a bag of cement around, you'll get free coffee.*

Anyway i digress, we got the bathroom stuff and Chris dropped me off at home, after a quick viewing of The Simpsons i was on my way to see TK and Royst so that me and TK could book some excursions for our upcoming Iceland extravaganza!

On arrival i received the usual warm welcome and the sounds of "The Mac" on TK's pc. TK was in the process of cooking us a lasagne which looked and smelled proper 'bo. TK also got some NY cheese for us to taste, it was cheddar with jalopenos in, although it was so hot it actually tasted like jalopenos with cheddar in, nice though. The lasagne was proper nice and with a bit of garlic bread and a cup of tea the job was a good 'un. Me and TK had ours at the table while Royst had his in the living room as he couldn't begin to prise his arse off the sofa because he was getting all giddy about a football match which included 2 teams he does not support!!! He even did a one-man mexican wave during the first half whilst going ooh, ahh referee, etc...

We booked a trip to the Golden Circle and Northern Lights, only £75 each for them both, nice, hopefully we'll see the Northern Lights but nothing is guaranteed. Another cup of tea later and i nipped to the supermarket for some wine and cookies which brings us up to date, cheers, hic!

Roll on Iceland.

*This practice, to my knowledge, is not encouraged or endorsed by B&Q.

The day i met Ken Barlow

Some time ago, about 13 years i went on a works trip to Granada Studios at Manchester, the home of Coronation Street, arguably the UK's best loved soap opera.

We went on a backstage tour and the guide began showing us round, almost as soon as the tour had begun another guide entered our room and said we had move on quickly as we had special guest to come and meet us. We moved on to another room in anticipation, who would it be, surely a Corrie star?

The next room was a mock up of a newsroom complete with newsdesk etc, when we were all inside the moment of truth was upon us. Out from behind a screen popped William Roache aka Ken Barlow, the only Corrie star to still be in the show since its inception in the 1960's. Ken gave a quick wave and stood there resplendent in a smart shiny suit, he explained he was on his lunch hour and could only spare a few moments with us before going back to filming. Ken went on to say he was in the middle of filming Deidres court scenes and could answer a couple of questions before leaving, very nice of you Ken i thought, then my hand shot up above the crowd. Ken looked at me and the conversation went like this:

Me - "Ken, er can i call you Ken. You're are the only person to be ever present in the show since the start."

Ken nodded

Me - "You've had lots of wives, girlfriends, affairs and flings over the years."

Ken nodded again

Me - "Do you get much in real life?"

Ken seemed slightly embarrassed and looked at me in such a way that he knew i was being a bit cheeky, wagged his finger at me and said. "Well i used to be a bit of a lad in the '60's but i'm settled down now." He gave me a knowing albeit sheepish glance and said "Very good question."

I had foxed him, he was never expecting that and for a moment i felt that he recognised he had met his match but appreciated my cheekiness all the same.

Ken then said anyone else, one more question. My mate Andy said "Whats in store for you and Deidre." Ken looked relieved and said "You'll have to keep watching, i cant reveal too much."

Andy, what a waste of a question he must get asked this about a million times a day, i had Ken on the ropes and you rang the bell for the end of the round. Ken then left and we had a great day.