Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 3

Chapter 3 - Crazy Train - "All aboard"

After a wild first night i slept in all morning and most of the afternoon. I had arranged to meet Rich and Andy in my hotel at 4pm so i hustled Op out at about 3.30 so i could get ready for round 2. Unfortunately due to a drunken misunderstanding they didn't arrive until 5.30, with both of them asking where was i when they all met at 4. I felt compelled to defend myself and reminded Rich of our conversation in the wee hours.

Rich - "Ok, we'll meet you in the Beer Garden at 4. Do you know where that is?

Me - "No."

Rich - "Ok, meet at my hotel at 4, do you know where that is?"

Me - "No."

Rich - "Ok, we'll meet at your hotel at 4."

Me - "Brilliant, i know where that is."

Anyway after everyone conceding i was right we went for something to eat prior to meeting up with Chris and Neil later. We went to a german restaurant just up the road from my hotel and ate thai food there. I had chicken and cashew nuts (to make up for the ones Cowgirl had lifted from my mini bar last night) and of course chips! Andy suggested i also try Tom Yam Koong, which is a spicy soup with prawns and mushrooms lurking in the bottom of it, a strange brew but pretty tasty.

Following our meal we met up with Chris and Neil at the "Sports " bar at about 8. I was pleased that Chris and Neil had taken pity on my cashew nut theft and had purchased a pack for me to shut me up whining about it. Cheers lads! Anyway after a few beers we started on our journey to Patpong, another area of Bangkok with much to offer! We travelled by the Bangkok Skytrain (BST) which is basically a monorail that winds its way through the city about 15 metres above the crazy traffic below. The BST is a cheap and quick way to travel and it is also air-conditioned so it is also comfortable. Unfortunately for glasses wearers like myself the moment you step off the BST the humidity hits you right between the eyes and your glasses steam up immediately. Best wipe those clean or you'll miss the delights of Patpong.

We started off by going in a couple of bars and much the same as the previous night were the subject of attention from the Thai bar girls. I was sat at the bar having a beer whilst having a nice shoulder massage from a nice Thai lass, cool! The next bar was much the same but this place had some entertainment laid on. In the centre of the bar was a Thai boxing ring where a couple of fellas were goign toe to toe WWE style. it was clear that this was not a real fight as the combatants were hitting each other on the gloves but nevertheless they put on a decent show. At the end of the rounds there was usually a few late punches or someone being pushed over the ropes which all added to the entertainment. After a couple of fights the boxers came amongst the patrons of the bar to get some tips for their efforts, well done lads. All this whilst another Thai lass was rubbing my neck and shoulders while i downed a cool Singha beer, yes i was on holiday!

After this we slowed the pace down a touch and Andy and I went to "Muzzik" bar for a cocktail, I think Rich and Neil went to change some money whilst Chris went watch shopping! Personally i think he had bagged himself a ladyboy but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt i suppose! There was a decent live band on and they were playing rock and pop covers such as "Sultans of swing", "Howzat!" and "Big girls don't cry." A few drinks later and we were back out, we went to the "Kangaroo" bar where i met a nice lass called Ya, a pretty lady with a gorgeous smile. I think i was smiling too shortly after when we left the bar. I cant remember the name of the next place as were rushing about to get in there as it had started chucking it down outside. Anyway whilst in the bar we did the usual beer thing and i sat talking to Andy. After a couple of minutes i felt a tug on my testicles and looked down to see a wizened old lady of about 90 years stood in front of me. The testicle pull ploy was obviously to get my attention to the fact that she was selling cheap cigarettes and for some reason dead roses! No thanks luv! I pointed her in the direction of Chris and had to laugh when she approached him and tugged his sack in the same way she had mine, she must've liked Chris much more than me as she began licking her lips and sticking her tongue out at him. I think Chris became aroused at this point.

Anyway, Rich knew someone who worked in the bar and she took us to a pool hall to finish the night off. It was ok inside but it was located in a small block of flats and was off the beaten track, slightly worrying but no problems inside. Time was getting on and we all decided to call it a night at about 3 am. Rich was going back to Chiang Mai the next day and Chris and Neil were also heading back home the day after so it was time for goodbyes to friends old and new. I had really enjoyed the two days/nights with Rich, Chris and Neil and we had all got on enjoyed ourselves. Still it left me and Andy in Bangkok a little longer with plenty of time left to cause some carnage.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 2

Chapter 2 - Nine lives - "Won't somebody save me. Won't anybody, somebody save me."

I walked up front with Chris, who was giving me the "low down" on the Soi Cowboy etiquette (if there is such a thing) with Andy, Neil & Rich behind us. The streets seemed easier to negotiate now, but i put that down to the gradual dulling of Singha beer as the traffic hadnt really dissapated that much. We walked for about 5 or so minutes & Glory Be we arrived at the bottom (or top depending on which way you tackle it) of Soi Cowboy.

Soi Cowboy is a vibrant, pulsating, hubbub. There were more people in this one street than i had seen put together since we left the "Sports" bar. All at once all & sundry were vying for our attention trying to get us in one bar or another. All the bars on the street have a curtain rather than a doorway & all will welcome you in, the curtain is a nice touch, it promises privacy yet a touch of the unknown. There were ladies on the street trying their best to outdo their neighbours from the next bar & entice us into their place but my guide knew where we were going. We went into "Long Gun" & all of a sudden my eyes opened wide.

The place was alive, buzzing & clearly a good stop for weary travellers such as myself. Inside was heady mix of rock music, dancing ladies, alcohol & punters. I had never seen anything like it! We sat down & within moments i was talking to 2 ladies who worked there, we had a drink together & enjoyed the show. The lady on the stage was smoking 2 cigarettes at once, but not out of her mouth, when i saw this my jaw dropped big time & Chris and Rich spotted this. "The look on your face" they both said. It wasnt the fact as where she was smoking the fags from but the fact i wasnt allowed to smoke in the bar myself! The act continued with some "banana launching/catching" & then culminated in balloons being passed around & "popped" with great precision by the girl on stage firing projectiles into the crowd. After that, and to top it all, most of the girls there all got on stage & danced to "All my life" by the Foo Fighters, one of my favourite songs. Phew, that was enough for me by now so i retired to my hotel with "Cowgirl" to take a break.

Upon arrival at the Furama the concierge gave me a smile & opened the taxi door. When inside my room "Cowgirl2 decided to raid my mini bar & i was down by one bottle of beer & a pack of roasted cashew nuts. About 1 hour later i dropped "Cowgirl" off to meet her friends & returned to Soi Cowboy.

I couldnt find the lads at first so took a breather & went to the "Ship Inn" for a quiet drink. Whilst i was there i heard a tremendous, tumultuous racket. This turned out to be a blind lady walking down the street with a karaoke machine strapped to her body whilst a man with no legs crawled after her. The money i gave them is insignificant to us westerners but hopefully put food on their table for a week or so. We really dont know how lucky we are.

Anyway, i made one last attempt to find the lads and struck lucky in "Country Roads". They were all there large as life & my return met with cheers of adulation. I'd found them & was delighted as id have gone home if i hadnt have found them. Andy suggested i sing in the bar but i wasnt really up for it, however, he sang "Delilah" & i wasnt prepared to leave the challenge there. I got up there and did the old classic "Mustang Sally" but this time with a live band behind me (i've sung it loads but only on karaoke) & i was (if i say it myself) brilliant. I got off the stage to a massive round of applause and much recognition, especially from John & Dennis two american chaps. I was buzzing & when the man at the end of the bar pointed to a large sweet jar containing money i thought i must have won some sort of talent contest.

Man points to jar

Me - "Is that for me?"
Man nods head

Me - "Is that for me are you sure?"
Man nods head

Me "Really, is that for me?"
Man nods head and points to jar.

Me "Really, all that money for me?"
Man nods head.

Hell, i took all the money (except coins) from the jar & went back to the lads, what with me winning the (or so i thought) talent contest. About 30 seconds later i got a tap on the shoulder from a guy saying i had taken the bands "tip" jar. Luckily he saw the funny side & i returned the tips, how was i to know i thought i'd won something!
Anyway, that seemed a lucky escape so i thought id go outside for a cigarette, where i met "Op" a very nice lady who arranged a street BBQ for us consisiting of chicken, liver & something else no one dare touch (lord knows what it was). Whilst i was getting to know Op the lads made their way home (saying they would meet me at 4pm at my hotel the next day, very important this) & so i was left on my own. I was worried, my first day in Bangkok & i was left to fend for myself. Thankfully Op was not only great at BBQs she also had excellent navigational skills & made sure i got home OK, very nice of her i thought. We arrived at the hotel at about 4am, same concierge, bigger smile!

Anyway, taking into account "Cowgirl" if i was a cat i'd be dead. Could i rustle enough strength to carry on into the next day? The lads will expect it, but then again the days events had tired me out. Forget it im, out again tonight, testing the delights of Patpong!