Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 2

Chapter 2 - Nine lives - "Won't somebody save me. Won't anybody, somebody save me."

I walked up front with Chris, who was giving me the "low down" on the Soi Cowboy etiquette (if there is such a thing) with Andy, Neil & Rich behind us. The streets seemed easier to negotiate now, but i put that down to the gradual dulling of Singha beer as the traffic hadnt really dissapated that much. We walked for about 5 or so minutes & Glory Be we arrived at the bottom (or top depending on which way you tackle it) of Soi Cowboy.

Soi Cowboy is a vibrant, pulsating, hubbub. There were more people in this one street than i had seen put together since we left the "Sports" bar. All at once all & sundry were vying for our attention trying to get us in one bar or another. All the bars on the street have a curtain rather than a doorway & all will welcome you in, the curtain is a nice touch, it promises privacy yet a touch of the unknown. There were ladies on the street trying their best to outdo their neighbours from the next bar & entice us into their place but my guide knew where we were going. We went into "Long Gun" & all of a sudden my eyes opened wide.

The place was alive, buzzing & clearly a good stop for weary travellers such as myself. Inside was heady mix of rock music, dancing ladies, alcohol & punters. I had never seen anything like it! We sat down & within moments i was talking to 2 ladies who worked there, we had a drink together & enjoyed the show. The lady on the stage was smoking 2 cigarettes at once, but not out of her mouth, when i saw this my jaw dropped big time & Chris and Rich spotted this. "The look on your face" they both said. It wasnt the fact as where she was smoking the fags from but the fact i wasnt allowed to smoke in the bar myself! The act continued with some "banana launching/catching" & then culminated in balloons being passed around & "popped" with great precision by the girl on stage firing projectiles into the crowd. After that, and to top it all, most of the girls there all got on stage & danced to "All my life" by the Foo Fighters, one of my favourite songs. Phew, that was enough for me by now so i retired to my hotel with "Cowgirl" to take a break.

Upon arrival at the Furama the concierge gave me a smile & opened the taxi door. When inside my room "Cowgirl2 decided to raid my mini bar & i was down by one bottle of beer & a pack of roasted cashew nuts. About 1 hour later i dropped "Cowgirl" off to meet her friends & returned to Soi Cowboy.

I couldnt find the lads at first so took a breather & went to the "Ship Inn" for a quiet drink. Whilst i was there i heard a tremendous, tumultuous racket. This turned out to be a blind lady walking down the street with a karaoke machine strapped to her body whilst a man with no legs crawled after her. The money i gave them is insignificant to us westerners but hopefully put food on their table for a week or so. We really dont know how lucky we are.

Anyway, i made one last attempt to find the lads and struck lucky in "Country Roads". They were all there large as life & my return met with cheers of adulation. I'd found them & was delighted as id have gone home if i hadnt have found them. Andy suggested i sing in the bar but i wasnt really up for it, however, he sang "Delilah" & i wasnt prepared to leave the challenge there. I got up there and did the old classic "Mustang Sally" but this time with a live band behind me (i've sung it loads but only on karaoke) & i was (if i say it myself) brilliant. I got off the stage to a massive round of applause and much recognition, especially from John & Dennis two american chaps. I was buzzing & when the man at the end of the bar pointed to a large sweet jar containing money i thought i must have won some sort of talent contest.

Man points to jar

Me - "Is that for me?"
Man nods head

Me - "Is that for me are you sure?"
Man nods head

Me "Really, is that for me?"
Man nods head and points to jar.

Me "Really, all that money for me?"
Man nods head.

Hell, i took all the money (except coins) from the jar & went back to the lads, what with me winning the (or so i thought) talent contest. About 30 seconds later i got a tap on the shoulder from a guy saying i had taken the bands "tip" jar. Luckily he saw the funny side & i returned the tips, how was i to know i thought i'd won something!
Anyway, that seemed a lucky escape so i thought id go outside for a cigarette, where i met "Op" a very nice lady who arranged a street BBQ for us consisiting of chicken, liver & something else no one dare touch (lord knows what it was). Whilst i was getting to know Op the lads made their way home (saying they would meet me at 4pm at my hotel the next day, very important this) & so i was left on my own. I was worried, my first day in Bangkok & i was left to fend for myself. Thankfully Op was not only great at BBQs she also had excellent navigational skills & made sure i got home OK, very nice of her i thought. We arrived at the hotel at about 4am, same concierge, bigger smile!

Anyway, taking into account "Cowgirl" if i was a cat i'd be dead. Could i rustle enough strength to carry on into the next day? The lads will expect it, but then again the days events had tired me out. Forget it im, out again tonight, testing the delights of Patpong!

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 1

Chapter 1 Learn to fly - "Someone tell all of the angels, this could take all night"

Ok, so i hadnt had a holiday for almost 6 years since i went to Holland for my 30th birthday/new year celebration, i thought it was about time i had one. I had recently made contact with my old mate Rich Keyworth, Rich & i were at school together, used to work for a security company &were also drinking buddies. I hadnt seen Rich in about 8 years & wasnt even aware he had been living in Thailand for the last 5 of those, i thought it would be a good idea to combine a reunion with a holiday, so i contacted Rich & organised a meeting in Bangkok in October.

I booked the holiday in July & in order that i could get an insight into what to expect i contacted my mate Andy Sunderland who is a "Thai Guru", has been visiting Thailand for many years & is married to a Thai Lady. I met Andy at a local pub & found that by coincidence that he & his wife Ho would be in Bangkok at the same time as me. Andy also told me he knew Rich which i wasn't aware of, so it became even more of a coincidence & significant reunion for us all. To add to this i received a facebook friend request from a friend of Richards, Chris Turnbull who would also be holidaying in Thailand at the same time with his friend Neil Ford. Now be 5 of us taking Bangkok by storm in October.

I couldn't sleep the night before i was due to fly as i was too excited & just couldnt wait to get going. My brother Chris picked me up from home & dropped me at Sheffield train station where i traveled to Birmingham New Street then onto Birmingham International. The flight (Turkish Airlines) was delayed by half an hour so no big deal there. On the way over i got sat next to a lovely lass called Ella & she helped pass the time with intelligent & fun conversation before we landed at Istanbul & went our separate ways. I was aware that i had to wait around 6 hours for my connecting flight to Bangkok so got my copy of the Da Vinci Code & started reading. As much as i like the book after about 4 or 5 hours i began to tire of airport life, i was becoming uptight & restless which as time passed turned into grumpiness & frustration. At one stage i considered getting on a flight to Beirut as i was so bored of waiting for my flight, but i managed to keep my cool & remain patient. I was due to fly at 2335hrs but the security staff were still admitting passengers through the metal detector thingy at 0100hrs, at about 0120hrs we finally took off.

The flight went about as well as could be expected, i managed about 2 hours sleep which is a lot for me but i was glad i didnt sleep more as i would have missed one of the most breathtaking sights i ever saw. As i flew over India i could see Kathmandu and Everest poking majestically through the clouds, the visibility was excellent due to it being a bright, clear, crisp morning making this view even better. This had certainly lifted my spirits & it felt like the frustration i had at Istanbul had been left there when i did! I landed at Bangkok at about 1340hrs on 16/10 & this was only about 40 minutes late as we had made up time on the second leg of the flight. I met Rich at the airport, we got a taxi & made our way into Bangkok. The journey took almost an hour & we arrived at my hotel (Furama Xclusive) where Andy was there waiting for us. It was nice to meet up & after a quick change of clothes the lads took me for my first taste of Bangkok.

My first impressions of Bangkok were that the traffic was crazy, there were thousands of cars, bikes, tuk-tuks & other vehicles all of which seemed to be driven in a rather random & haphazard fashion. I then noticed the variety of people on the streets, there were street vendors, some selling food others clothing, trinkets, gifts & various other sorts of tat. There were also people begging for money, some of whom seemed to playing on their age (they were either very old or very young) & some who had more unfortunate reasons such as disabilities or loss of limbs. The smell of the Bangkok drains was also noticeable & when coupled with the aromas created by the street vendors this became rather unpleasant.

We were due to meet Chris & Neil at 2000hrs & so went for a couple of drinks in a bar in the afternoon before then. I am normally a wine drinker but thought i would give the beer a go this time around so I tried a Singha & have to say really enjoyed it, this would become my drink of choice for the rest of the holiday. When you buy drinks you start a tab & pay for it when you leave which suited me just fine. Anyway we used this time to get up to speed with each other before leaving & going to another bar called the "Beer Garden". The Beer Garden is a huge open plan bar which was very lively & full of western males looking to meet the many Thai ladies also there. We had a drink & i had a good look around, there were some really attractive women, i also noticed a ladyboy who was approached by & subsequently left with a male in his 50's. I asked Andy if there was any sort of moral code for warning people that the person they were with was not a woman but he said "It might be what he wants." Fair point Andy, each to his own. Anyway we left the Beer Garden & went to meet Chris & Neil at the "Sports" bar. After making our introductions it was clear we all got on & were going to have a great time. Neil was clearly a man who was making the most of his holiday. He & Chris had been to Pattaya prior to arriving in Bangkok & Neil was telling me about a lady he had met who he seemed quite taken with due to the fact that "You can fit both arse cheeks in one hand!" It appeared that Chris had encouraged Neil to come to Thailand & had in the process created a monster! So, after a couple of beers we set off walking to a more lively area, one of the more notorious places in Bangkok, i was about to have my first taste of the Bangkok nightlife at Soi Cowboy.