Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 4

Chapter 4 - Bark at the moon

"Years spent in torment, buried in a nameless grave, now he has risen, miracles would have to save, those that the beast is looking for, listen in awe and you'll hear him, bark at the moon"

On day 3 i woke mid-morning and went for a walk. I didn't go too far as i hadn't really got my bearings and the traffic was still as mad as ever, so i wasn't confident about going too far. It was a nice, hot day and the sun managed to permeate through the high rises and large buildings in Bangkok where previously i had seen a greyness to the sky. I bought a few gifts for friends back home and as is the norm you have to barter a little with the vendors, i normally don't do this but it's part of the Thai culture so i was more than happy to play the game. I bought some pictures for a friend from a mute girl and found myself bartering by way of calculator, she typed the price in then i typed mine in and we met somewhere in the middle. I think she got a good price and i was happy with what i paid so all was good. Following this i returned to my hotel and saw the hotel travel agent to book the next leg of my trip as i was only staying at the Furama one more night. I hadn't booked the next 6 nights of my trip as i was keeping my options open on where to go next. The travel agent Ryo was really helpful and on telling him i'd like to go to Phuket found me a nice hotel, sorted my flights, transfers and booked me on the "James Bond Island" boat trip. Cheers Mr Ryo.

Following this i fancied a nice massage to ease my aching body. I hadn't had much time to relax following the long flight and 2 days of beer-drinking and hell-raising with the lads so it was time to relax. I went to Boonsita massage just up the road from my hotel and had a 1 hour oil massage. This was just what i needed and to start with it was very relaxing, part way through however the pain factor increased when the lady started using her elbows to manipulate my back. All in all it was good and about 60% relaxation versus 40% pain seemed fair enough in the end. After the massage i had a nice shower and a glass of tea that was waiting for me in the reception, all this for just over a fiver. Great value and a nice experience from a professional lady in a professional establishment, no funny business so cool your jets you perverts! After this i had a nice afternoon nap prior to meeting Andy at my hotel later.

I met Andy and we were to go back to his hotel the "Honey" to meet his wife Ho and her friend Al. On the way we got in a tuk-tuk which is a three-wheeled vehicle that you may have seen in the James Bond film "Octopussy". I had heard these were a potentially dangerous method of transportation but our journey passed without incident and we arrived at the "Honey" in one piece. We went for a beer and met Ho and Al, i hadn't seen Ho for over a year and it was nice to meet her again and Al was a nice lady too. Anyhoo we finished our drinks and set off for a meal together at the "Seafood Market" i was excited, i was going to have my first lobster!

We tipped up at the Seafood Market and it certainly was a large, impressive place from the outside. It was like pulling up outside a nice hotel, i could see the kitchen area on our way in and i knew we were going to a proper nice place. The inside didn't let me down either. It is a vast building with room for many hundreds of people, the staff were very smartly dressed and the atmosphere was busy yet ambient. We were shown to our table and ordered drinks, then we when to select our food. The produce was on show like you might see in a fishmongers, all fresh and tightly packed in ice. I selected my lobster and some oysters, whilst this selection was going on i noticed we were being followed by a waitress with a shopping trolley, the items we selected were placed in the trolley and then we went to a supermarket style checkout to pay for them. After this we went back to our table and the waiters took our order regarding how we wanted our food cooked. After only a few minutes the food started to arrive, we had about 4 large plates to share of rice, mushrooms, beans and asparagus, all cooked to perfection. As is the Thai way you share the food and try a little of what is on each plate, its nice to share. I tried an oyster but couldn't swallow it so it ended up being chewed and then swallowed, not exactly the best way to consume it but it was ok. Then it was time for the lobster. When it arrived i was overwhelmed, it was massive and looked lovely. I took a massive chunk of it and it was gorgeous, very meaty with only the faintest taste and smell of seafood, we also had some king prawns and the whole meal was excellent. I had ordered 2 bottles of wine to share and these were nice also, however, they were expensive and came to around £20 each. I didn't mind i was on holiday and couldn't care about money, hell i'd been grafting like mad to pay for this so i figured i'd earned it. Anyway the meal, the wine, the restaurant and more importantly the company were all perfect so i had a great experience there. Following the meal we dropped Al off as she was working the next day and Andy, Ho and myself went to a german bar called Bei Otto. Ho used to work there and that is where she and Andy met so it was nice for them to go back there. It was a really nice bar with a fountain outside which added to the ambience and we were even treated to an appearance by Mr Otto himself. Andy and Ho know Mr Otto and i am assured that he is so busy that to see him in the flesh is a luxury. Following this slice of the high life i fancied downgrading my evening and me and Andy went to Nana Plaza (another notorious area of Bangkok) while Ho caught up with her colleagues at Bei Otto.

Like i said Nana Plaza is notorious in much the same way that Soi Cowboy is and we sampled a couple of bars. In the second (I cant remember the name) i met a nice lady called "Moon" we had a couple of drinks and Moon kindly offered to show me the way back to my hotel. I said goodbye to Andy and confirmed i would meet him at the "Honey" when i returned from Phuket. After a short tuk-tuk ride we arrived at the Furama where we were greeted by the same concierge from the 1st night whose smile was broader than ever. When Moon saw how nice my room was she immediately picked up a pencil and pad and gave me her telephone number and e-mail address. She then went on to say that we should buy a condominium together because she loved me so much, yeah right, im not daft Moon, things like this always happen to me. Anyway i got some drinks and nibbles from the mini-bar, Moon put the pencil down and stopped all the claptrap. Needless to say it was a full moon that night!

Popularity contests involving dancing

Ok, im not really into reality tv that much but i am p****d off how much people take to heart these saturday night dance offs that are little more than popularity contests. Now dont get me wrong, i think that these celebrities who want to learn something new and set themselves up for a fall in public is admirable.

My point though is this.

When "Come dancing" was broadcast many years ago no one watched it so it was pulled. No one wanted to watch professional and talented dancers doing what they do to the best of their ability but they will watch 3rd rate celebrities doing it badly.

Are you settling for less? Just a thought.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 3

Chapter 3 - Crazy Train - "All aboard"

After a wild first night i slept in all morning and most of the afternoon. I had arranged to meet Rich and Andy in my hotel at 4pm so i hustled Op out at about 3.30 so i could get ready for round 2. Unfortunately due to a drunken misunderstanding they didn't arrive until 5.30, with both of them asking where was i when they all met at 4. I felt compelled to defend myself and reminded Rich of our conversation in the wee hours.

Rich - "Ok, we'll meet you in the Beer Garden at 4. Do you know where that is?

Me - "No."

Rich - "Ok, meet at my hotel at 4, do you know where that is?"

Me - "No."

Rich - "Ok, we'll meet at your hotel at 4."

Me - "Brilliant, i know where that is."

Anyway after everyone conceding i was right we went for something to eat prior to meeting up with Chris and Neil later. We went to a german restaurant just up the road from my hotel and ate thai food there. I had chicken and cashew nuts (to make up for the ones Cowgirl had lifted from my mini bar last night) and of course chips! Andy suggested i also try Tom Yam Koong, which is a spicy soup with prawns and mushrooms lurking in the bottom of it, a strange brew but pretty tasty.

Following our meal we met up with Chris and Neil at the "Sports " bar at about 8. I was pleased that Chris and Neil had taken pity on my cashew nut theft and had purchased a pack for me to shut me up whining about it. Cheers lads! Anyway after a few beers we started on our journey to Patpong, another area of Bangkok with much to offer! We travelled by the Bangkok Skytrain (BST) which is basically a monorail that winds its way through the city about 15 metres above the crazy traffic below. The BST is a cheap and quick way to travel and it is also air-conditioned so it is also comfortable. Unfortunately for glasses wearers like myself the moment you step off the BST the humidity hits you right between the eyes and your glasses steam up immediately. Best wipe those clean or you'll miss the delights of Patpong.

We started off by going in a couple of bars and much the same as the previous night were the subject of attention from the Thai bar girls. I was sat at the bar having a beer whilst having a nice shoulder massage from a nice Thai lass, cool! The next bar was much the same but this place had some entertainment laid on. In the centre of the bar was a Thai boxing ring where a couple of fellas were goign toe to toe WWE style. it was clear that this was not a real fight as the combatants were hitting each other on the gloves but nevertheless they put on a decent show. At the end of the rounds there was usually a few late punches or someone being pushed over the ropes which all added to the entertainment. After a couple of fights the boxers came amongst the patrons of the bar to get some tips for their efforts, well done lads. All this whilst another Thai lass was rubbing my neck and shoulders while i downed a cool Singha beer, yes i was on holiday!

After this we slowed the pace down a touch and Andy and I went to "Muzzik" bar for a cocktail, I think Rich and Neil went to change some money whilst Chris went watch shopping! Personally i think he had bagged himself a ladyboy but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt i suppose! There was a decent live band on and they were playing rock and pop covers such as "Sultans of swing", "Howzat!" and "Big girls don't cry." A few drinks later and we were back out, we went to the "Kangaroo" bar where i met a nice lass called Ya, a pretty lady with a gorgeous smile. I think i was smiling too shortly after when we left the bar. I cant remember the name of the next place as were rushing about to get in there as it had started chucking it down outside. Anyway whilst in the bar we did the usual beer thing and i sat talking to Andy. After a couple of minutes i felt a tug on my testicles and looked down to see a wizened old lady of about 90 years stood in front of me. The testicle pull ploy was obviously to get my attention to the fact that she was selling cheap cigarettes and for some reason dead roses! No thanks luv! I pointed her in the direction of Chris and had to laugh when she approached him and tugged his sack in the same way she had mine, she must've liked Chris much more than me as she began licking her lips and sticking her tongue out at him. I think Chris became aroused at this point.

Anyway, Rich knew someone who worked in the bar and she took us to a pool hall to finish the night off. It was ok inside but it was located in a small block of flats and was off the beaten track, slightly worrying but no problems inside. Time was getting on and we all decided to call it a night at about 3 am. Rich was going back to Chiang Mai the next day and Chris and Neil were also heading back home the day after so it was time for goodbyes to friends old and new. I had really enjoyed the two days/nights with Rich, Chris and Neil and we had all got on enjoyed ourselves. Still it left me and Andy in Bangkok a little longer with plenty of time left to cause some carnage.