Ok,so i thought id review some old tv programmes, here goes.
The Crystal Maze
This show was conceived by its host Richard O'Brien, it was hi-tech, totally new and cost a bomb to make. The premise was that a team of six adventurers would enter the Crystal Maze which was divided into 4 zones. Aztec, Futuristic, Industrial and Council Estate Back Alley. Within each section the adventurers played a series of games which were split into, physical, mental, skill and mystery catergories. The team captain would choose which member would play each game. Should the adventurer succeed and beat the game they would win a crystal which was worth 5 seconds of time in the Crystal Dome, more of this later.
The team consisted of 6 strangers, 3 men and 3 women, the women had to have crazy hair and the men had to have massive taches. In order to be selected to go on the show you had to either be a computer programmer or estate agent, also if you were a man you must be called Steve or Graham and if you were a woman you had to be called Helen or Nikki. People with any deviation from the above pre-requisites were not allowed to play.
When a player was selected to play a game Mr O'Brien would instantly start frothing at the mouth and running around the maze in a frenzied fashion. He would then show the team member into a room and inform them how long they would have to play the game, usually between 2 and 3 minutes. Regardless of how long the game would last the team member would inevitably stand in the room with a vacant, blank expression whilst the rest of the team shouted at them through the door giving them instructions and generally being cretinous.
A few of the games were to be fair impossible but most were ridiculously easy, unfortunately Mr O'Brien and his researchers picked a team of absolute fuckwits every week. Some of these twats were barely able to grasp and understand their own surroundings let alone steer a remote control car through a small model landscape. How these idiots held down jobs was a mystery but occasionally even the dumbest of the dumb managed to beat the game and win a crystal. The celebrations following this small victory were legendary and the looks on the faces of the adventurers would usually fall somewhere between a mid-sized orgasm and winning a million quid on a scratch card.
Eventually when the team had played games in each zone they would take the crystals they had won (usually 4) to the Crystal Dome which was a large dome shaped like one of the crystals they had won. Each crystal would grant the team 5 seconds of time in the dome to collect bit of gold paper that were being disturbed by a massive fan on the floor. There were also evil silver bits of paper and if one of these was collected it cancelled out a gold one. The team had to get 50 gold tickets after any silver ones had been deducted. Should the team do this (not likely due to their collective thickness) then they would be rewarded with a prize which would normally be half a days canoeing or clay pigeon shooting.
The show was well conceived but spoiled by the brain dead (but excellently coiffured)competitors that were partaking each week. The show was of a scale that had not been seen before and the actual area of the Crystal Maze was the size of 4 football pitches, making it the only man made structure you can see from space.
I give it 5 on 10, good programme but spoiled by contestants that were thick as pig shit.
Al Sithees' Big Generator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Farewell my little star, we wish you well. What about love i hear you say, but this is the bottom line, its over, i dont love you anymore. We had 100 nights of fun and games but here, in my time of dying, in this house of broken love, lies a better man.
