Attack of the cretinous zombies

When i arrived home that day something didnt feel quite right. I couldnt put my finger on it but felt edgy and alert as if in preperation for a sudden surprise or shock. Unfortunately for me, i got both.

As i entered the house they were there and within a few feet, touching distance of me. The zombies.

I stood rooted to the spot at first, petrified, speechless, fearful for my very existence. After what seemed like an age but was in reality only a couple of seconds the anger crept in. Anger at myself, i usually took precautions to make sure things like this couldnt possibly happen but clearly, today, i had made an error, misjudgement, forgotten. I had fucked up big time basically.

Fortunately my saving grace was that the zombies had not noticed me, they appeared oblivious to anything outside of their very immediate vicinity. They appeared to be attempting to communicate with each other but this was little more than grunts, wailing and general gibberish. This flow of verbal garbage seemed an accelerated and never ending deluge of horrific, acid soaked drivel. I was still terrified and had no plan of what to do next, but in an instant it came to me, i had the very instrument which could rid me of these fetid, disgusting freaks. I just had to put my hands on it.

Still rooted and trembling i scanned the room and then i saw it, only a couple of short steps away. I could have sworn it glittered and shimmered like a must have item in a game of Resident Evil. But it didnt. I silently inhaled a deep, deep breath and made my move. It was to my right on the sofa, i shuffled towards it and bent over to pick it up. Due to my nervous state a small bead of sweat dripped from my forehead on to the outstretched leg of a zombie who was sat on the floor. Surely this transferrance of fluid, even by its own miniscule weight would be enough to alert this disgusting, gaunt creature to notice me. I closed my eyes waiting for the end, for the foul, rotting teeth of these monsters to bite into my skull and destroy my brain.

But nothing happened, i opened one eye and they were STILL there in the same positions they always had been, it was almost as though these were lazy, cretinous zombies and not the shuffling kind you'd see in Romeros films. Or those fast ones in 28 days later. The zombies were still spewing forth the same pathetic attempts at verbal communication and i could have sworn one of them, who appeared to be or had been a pretty blonde woman said "OMG". Fucking hell, i was starting to lose it badly, i focused back on the task in hand, i continued to bend over and grasped my lifesaver. I turned towards the zombies slowly but confidently, i held up the device now smiling, knowing that in a second they would be gone and i would be safe. As i looked at the zombies one last time i noticed that one seemed to resemble someone i had seen on television around 25 years ago. Shit, this whole situation had bent my mind, the first thing i would the next day would be to get some sort of medical help. At the end of the day, an event like this could leave me damaged forever.

So i aimed and fired In an instant the zombies were gone and i was safe again in my own home. I stood still for a long time after this, trying to rid myself of the grotesque events and images in my mind. Hopefully i will remain unaffected by this but the likelihood is it will live with me forever.

Still one thing was for certain, i would never, ever, ever wach one second of "Im a celebrity get me out of here" again.


Al Sithee will return in: "The day i accidentally found myself humming the theme tune from the Go Compare ads."

The godfather

This is my interpretation of the film the Godfather. It is not specifically a review of the film.

This man has done this bad thing to this other man who in turn speaks to this other man who cant talk properly. The man who cant talk properly then gets the man who did the bad thing (he doesnt do it himself though, he gets someone else to do it because he is a coward).

Then another man who does not like what the cowardly man has done does a bad thing to one of his friends. He then gets some other men to hurt the cowardly man (he doesnt do it himself though, he gets someone else to do it because he is a coward).

Then loads of other men start getting each other and their friends start getting them back. Some of the cowardly mans family get killed but he doesnt seem too bothered, he just sits in an office with the blinds closed.

Basicaly everyone just keeps getting each other and by the end everyone has forgoten why they started getting each other in the first place. Lots of people die but that doesnt matter as honour is maintained. Phew!

Britains Got Talent

Ok, i had no choice but to sit through most of this years final of Britains Got Talent, i was outvoted 3 to 1 by my cretinous friends as to which channel to watch. So, i had to sit through the damn thing so thought i might as well give my opinion of the acts. In no particular order:

1 - Stephen Hall. This guy is supposed to be a dancer and his appeal to the masses seemed to be his age, comedy factor and the fact that he does not look like anyone you would expect to get up and dance. The crowd seemed to love him and he came 7th, not bad for someone who clearly has no talent and doesnt care what people think of him. I considered giving a middle-high score but if you saw him do that at a wedding you'd cringe with embarassment. Why should it be seen as talent just because he did it on TV. This idiot scores 0 on 10.

2 - Paul Gbegbaje. Paul is clearly a talented pianist and a nice guy. His performance was very good & i liked it very much. I considered giving him a high score until Paul mastered his own downfall & dropped a bombshell when speaking with the judges. Paul said he wrote the piece himself, which i was initially impressed with. After giving it some thought though i recalled that his piece was actually a rip off of Mr Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne, so Paul did not in fact write the piece himself. Liars only score 0 on 10 in this blog.

3 - James Hobley. James is decent dancer & a polite young man, i hope his friends & family are very proud. I thought his act was quite good & James clearly will have a career in the performing arts. Unfortunately James told the Judges he did not choreograph his own routine which makes him a bit lazy/thoughtless. There is no room for a "let someone else do it attitude" in this blog, oh, and Stephen Hall beat him and he wasnt even a proper dancer. James scores 0 on 10.

4 - Ronan Parke. Ronan was an excellent singer, im sure he will have a great career even if he does look like Peppermint Patty from Peanuts/Charlie Brown. There has been some hullaballoo about Ronan & it was mooted that the competition was rigged to let him win, despite there being no evidence to support this. In view of this fact i think it would be inapropriate to consider scoring Ronans performance. Sod it, no one likes cheaters, 0 on 10.

5 - Jean Martyn. Ahh, the cretinous, gurning boogie woogie pianist. This was utter, utter rubbish of the lowest order. I cant believe even one person liked this out of time, ivory-tickling idiot. Top tip Jean - stop waving at the audience during your act, it will help if you use both hands whilst playing, that way you might have a chance of hitting some of the notes you intend to. You've guessed it 0 on 10.

6- Les Gibson. Possibly the worst impressionist ive ever heard in my life. I think it all went wrong on the night for Les as apart from his take on David Hasselhoff none of the other voices remotely sounded like the people they were meant to. Top tip Les - A good impressionist does not need to tell their audience who they will be impersonating prior to doing the actual impression. He made the Krankies look good, 0 on 10.

7 - New Bounce. Good singers, thought they might've won, however there were four of them and all the other contestants were performing alone. No one likes being ganged up on, 0 on 10.

8 - Jai Mcdowall. An excellent singer & worthy winner, when he & 12 year old Ronan Parke were the final two i thought Ronan would win. So well done Jai, i feel i should give you a high score, you beat the kid who some thought was going to win from the start. Hang on a minute, Jai is 24 and Ronan 12, make you feel like a big man Jai? No one likes bullies 0 on 10.

9 - Some guy doing robotics or something. I didnt actually see this fellow but i gather he was voted out earlier in the competion then allowed back in for the final. I could be wrong about that but its unlikely. Anyway, it was obviously engineered for you to be in the final & you were lucky to get a second chance. So you had 2 chances and still f****d it up, 0 on 10.

10 - Michael Collings. This lad had a great voice & one of the few acts to actually have even a modicum of talent. I thought he might've done better than he did but he might make a living in showbiz. I felt compelled to give him a high mark but there was a niggling thought in the back of my head stopping me. Then it clicked, Michael did his act sat on a stool when all the other acts were stood up. Britains got talent? Britains got laziness more like, 0 on 10.

There you have it. Proof that the viewing public would rather watch idiots with little or no talent than professional people who can actually sing dance etc. It seems viewers would rather see poor performances than good ones. Have a think about it, its true because its true.

This country.

Every six seconds - Part 4a

London had failed.

After almost 20 years in the business he had failed, for the first time ever. Failed. He sat back & tried to relax, it was no use, he couldnt sleep & even his fourteenth straight JD couldn't begin to fuzzy his edges. London laughed silently to himself, there he was, all expenses paid, drinking JD's in business class courtesy of his boss Irvine, when all he had done was failed. Irvine, shit, when he reported in to him it was over. Irvine had seen a lot in London, he had taken him under his wing & taught him all he knew, well almost all, he never disclosed the full details of The Rocket.

London, sighed knowing that when he landed in a couple of hours he wouldnt have long left to live. Irvine did not accept failure, no matter who you were. London ordered another ironic JD contemplating his one & only failure, the weird thing was that even though he knew he was going to die soon he was still curious about The Rocket. He recalled the last meeting he had with Irvine almost 6 weeks ago, playing it over & over in his mind.

"So you see London, we need to get someone on the inside to provide the details about The Rocket. I know whats inside it but i need to know when & where that thing is lifting."

London nodded, "Anyone in mind on the inside, securitys going to be pretty tight in there?"

"Dont worry, we've found someone very malleable, here, take this."

Irvine passed London a brown paper file, London opened it & smiled. "Fucking hell, i havent seen this scrawny little fucker since school. If he's our man this is going to be easier than i thought. Wheres he living now?"


"Oh you know him, excellent, you can have a beer with him before you beat the information about The Rocket out of him. He's in New Mexico, you're leaving tonight."

"Doesnt sound too tricky Mr Irvine, but what is it about The Rocket that makes you want it so bad?"

Irvines face dropped, he did not like being questioned. "London, London, London. If you knew that, you'd be ME & i'm already ME, i like being ME & i'm fucking good at being ME. So how about, YOU continue being YOU, I continue being ME & you take your curiosity outside & put it in the fucking bin 'cause you dont need it sunshine."

London - "I'm sorry Mr Irvine, i just wanted to know, you know."

London hung his head slightly & on seeing this Irvines expression appeared to soften slightly, he approached London & put his arm around his shoulder. "You know London, sometimes you are too curious, you ask too many questions, all you need to know is that if you dont get me The Rocket, well, you know what will happen."

London snapped out of his thoughts just as the plane hit some turbulence, he was sweating now & for the first time in his life scared. He had considered running, the world was a big place but he didnt want to live the rest of his life sleeping with a hammer under his pillow & a nine iron next to his bed. He had to face Irvine directly & take the consequences of his failure. The consequences being, his own death.

To be continued.