Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 10

Chapter 10 - The last straw

"Hotel hobbies padding dawns hollow corridors, a typewriter cackles out a stream of memories"

I got up around 11am and had my breakfast, there wasnt much to do today so i just chilled out around the hotel. Andy & Ho left around 6 pm & after our goodbyes i was on my own. I wasnt really planning on doing too much that night & didnt want to stray too far from the hotel as i only knew how to get to Soi 13 & back.

I had my tea & had a nice cheeseburger & chips in the hotel cafe before nipping out to a bar just next door for a few beers, i sat at the bar & started drinking. As the evening wore on i felt a tingling sensation just above my ankles which got stronger & stronger. By the time i left the bar at 1 am the tingling was getting quite uncomfortable. I put this down to my sunburn i got from the boat trip in Phuket & the fact that i had received a few insect bites down there as well. I went back to the hotel & went on the computer in the lobby, i got talking to an american guy called Lee who was on the computer next to me & we decided to go to Soi 13 for a couple of late drinks.

We got to Soi 13, took a table & started our first beer, it wasnt long before the street vendors came over & Lee couldnt wait to get his wallet out & was buying laser pens, nuts, snacks & all sorts. I noticed Lee had a fancy watch on which was also a telephone & he received a couple of calls from some women he had on the go in Bangkok. Lee offered to "hook me up" with some of his "women" he has in various parts of the world but i said no thanks mate, ill find my own, Lee certainly was a character. A little later a couple of thai ladies came over to us & we got talking to them. One of them insisted on giving me a hand massage & as she did she said that i had something wrong with me. I thought she was messing about but she noticed just above my ankles where i had the sunburn & insect bites & said that i had to go to the hospital. I said she was overcooking this but about an hour later i could barely walk & my feet & ankles were starting to swell up. It was time to get a taxi to the hospital, i was very worried indeed, luckily the thai lady (i forget her name) came with me, very nice of her.

We arrived at hospital & i was surprised that there were no patients in A & E at all, it was very quiet, even more surprising when you consider it was about 5 am on sunday morning. The doctor saw me & explained that i had been bitten & this had become infected on both ankles, luckily it was a slow infection & i would be ok to fly home that night. I was wheelchaired through to the pharmacy area & had to pay 1,000 baht/£20 for some antibiotics. What a relief, i'd got visions of having my feet chopped off, being unable to fly and/or shelling out hundreds on seeing a doctor. I was a very lucky boy & in the hospital less than 1 hour. The thai lady came back to my hotel & made sure i got inside & tucked up in bed ok, very kind of her & i was very grateful. Anyway a bit later she left & i managed a small amount of breakfast before sleeping in most of the day. I woke and was managing to hobble gingerly on my feet & my left foot in particular was painful & uncomfortable. I checked out of the Honey & had a last cheeseburger and chips before i got a taxi to the airport.

My flight was extremely restless & uncomfortable, i just couldnt sit still with my feet aching &tingling all the way home. Things got a bit easier when i caught my transferring flight from Istanbul & by the time i had got home i was so shattered I spent for most of the next 2 days in bed.

Epilogue

All in all i had the time of my life in Thailand, i met old and new friends, met loads of other fantastic people and had mind blowing exeperiences! There wasnt a day that passed that i didnt enjoy, saw something amazing or did or experienced something new. If i return there i wouldnt go to Bangkok for as long, a couple of days is all that is needed, id probably spend more time in Phuket or try somewhere else. I've really enjoyed writing my blogs and hope that i have given you something interesting and funny to read about. Thanks to Rich, Chris, Neil, Andy, Ho and everyone else i met there and who i spent time with.

Operation Blunderbuss was a resounding success.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 9

Chapter 9 - Ya Yo Gakk

"Ya yo gakk, ya yo gakk, ya yo gakk, bye-bye"

I had a good nights sleep & met Andy & Ho for breakfast, i needed some food to set me up for what would be a long day. When we'd done we got a lift with a Thai chap called David who Andy has known for some years. David dropped us at the entrance of the Grand Palace, it was really busy with taxis dropping someone off almost every second & loads of people milling about & making their way in.

There is a promenade of about 60 metres to walk up before you get to the ticket office, yes you have to pay to get in, about 300baht/£6 but Thais get in free. I was surprised that even in Thailand where money rules (i suppose it does everywhere but more so here) you have to pay to get into a place like this. You also have to dress respectfully which means long trousers for men. We paid & walked into the palace area proper, the first thing i saw was a small prayer area with a Buddha at the centre, people were lighting candles & incense & presenting these to Buddha along with some flowers. You could buy a "prayer kit" so I had a go, lit my candle & incense, placed them with the flowers & prayed. Now, i'm not a religious person by any means but if i had to pick one it would definitely be Buddhism, they never seem to be at war with anyone. Anyway, i prayed for enlightenment & grace, im a believer that knowledge is king over physicality, presence & feeling & i could always do with a bit more grace, time will tell if Buddha answers my call.

The palace was busy but no so much that it made getting around a hassle. As we moved on i was in awe of the attention to detail the structures, buildings & statues had, all were absolutely fantastic & the beauty of the Grand Palace really knocked me out. We made our way to one of the temples in the palace which was the "Temple of the Emerald Buddha", you have to take your shoes off before you go in & not point your feet towards Buddha. The temple itself was magnificent inside, it was about 30 metres long by about 25 high, the Emerald Buddha was right at the top & about 1/2 a metre high, you could easily miss it. The Buddha sits atop what looks the front of a house, every inch of which is covered gold, gems or other shiny expensive things, it is amazing to look at. You can sit on the floor in there for as long as you want but there is a constant stream of people coming in or out so probably best not to spend too long there. We left & put our shoes back on before having another walk around the grounds. It was a fairly hot day but nothing too heavy so i was fairly comfortable in long cargo pants, i thought having to wear long trousers might be a hassle it wasnt too bad. We made our way to another temple (cant remember the name) & went in. Unfortunately Ho wasn't allowed to join us as she was wearing jeans & for some reason ladies can only go inside this temple if they have a skirt on! The temple was smaller than the Emerald Buddha temple but just as spectacular if much more plain in design. The centrepiece were about 4 golden life size male statues, i think the main statue was of a previous king but i'm not sure, the only puzzling thing was that statue had what appeared to be a black wig placed on top of it! That aside the statues were beautifully constructed & finished i would love to have seen them being made. There were less people inside here than the previous temple & it had an air of serenity to it which was quite special, i felt privileged to have access to these marvellous areas & to be able to see the delights within.

As we walked round the grounds again i noticed that on some walls there was a large mural, i believe this tells the story of how the scriptures were transported to India but i might be wrong. The mural is nice to look at & in keeping with everything else in the Grand Palace the attention to detail is brilliant. We spent another hour or so looking around & all of it was fantastic, the Grand Palace is one of the best places i have been to. If you go to Thailand, go there!

We left the Grand Palace & got a taxi to Wat Pho, another temple where inside was the Reclining Buddha, along with James Bond island this was one of the main things i had come to Thailand to see. On entering Wat Pho i was disappointed to see the general state of it was in a slight disrepair, unlike Grand Palace which was immaculate. As a result we didn't stay here too long & made our way straight to the star of the show. The Reclining Buddha is housed in a large building in the centre of Wat Pho, it is about 50 metres long 15 metres high and is literally a massive golden Buddha laid down just chilling out. It is absolutely brilliant & one of the best things i have seen in my life. You enter at the "head" enter & walk all the way around it before leaving at the "head" again. This is the ideal place for photo opportunities, i would hate to have left there without some lasting "hard copy" memory of it. There isn't much else to see in Wat Pho so we left & went for a walk to the riverside.

I forget the name of the river but there was a fish market next to it selling fish & sea creatures the like of which i had never seen before let alone tasted. As we walked through there it led into an indoor market selling various goods, at the end of that was a turnstile that led to a river ferry. We got on it & crossed the river, at the other side there was a man stood adjacent to the ferry drop off point selling bread, i thought that was strange, only bread, i wonder why that could be? Anyway on this side of the river was a park & more temples, there was a large high temple in the centre & i could see people climbing up a steep staircase to get to the top. To be honest i wouldn't have minded going up there but i was "templed out" & ready to go back to the hotel. We had an ice cream & a quick walk in the park but then made our way back to the ferry. As we did so i saw the bread man again & realised why he was selling bread only. A young couple had bought some bread which they had thrown into the river, this caused about 40 large black & grey fish to compete & fight for it. They were going at like good 'uns & the surface of the river turned into a fish based combat arena, nice! We returned to the ferry port & waited for another ferry to take us down river (the ferry we had been on only goes from one side of the river to the other) towards a BST station (see chapter 3). This larger ferry was standing room only & quite full, it took about 10 minutes to reach our destination & we caught the BST back to our street, Soi 19.

We were due to meet some of Ho's friends that evening & have a meal but me & Andy were starving so we went to the hotel cafe to eat. Ho took this opportunity to get her hair done, Andy said he fully expected that when Ho returned she would new hair & new fingernails. We were to meet at about 8 pm & then go to a large outdoor eating area in the "Lumpini" area of Bangkok. Me & Andy sat outside the hotel having a beer waiting for Ho who arrived fashionably late at 8.45 with new hair & nails (both finger & toe), Ho's friends arrived just after & we got a taxi to Lumpini. The eating area was massive with hundreds of plastic tables & chairs, it was rectangular in shape & about 80 metres long. On either side of it were stalls selling the food, you could get anything from thai to german food to burgers, pizzas & anything you might want. There is also a large (almost arena sized) stage there where a live band was playing. We sat near the back & ordered a 3 litre pump full of Singha beer, then went to get our food. For some reason you have to buy tokens before you buy food & then when you've finished you redeem the ones you haven't spent for cash, a pointless exercise as far as i could see. Between us we had rice, noodles, spare ribs, sausauges & of course chips! It was ok & we shared a bit of what was on offer. After the food & more Singha Andy & i left the girls & made a short trip to Patpong where we'd been on our 2nd night.

Patpong was slightly busier than the first time we went there, there was more competition to attract our attention & therefore money than before. I i was having none of it, i knew where i wanted to go & made the short walk to the "Kangaroo" bar whereupon entering i was recognised by Ya (see chapter 3) who raced across the room to give me a massive hug. Anyway we had a drink together whilst Ya & i renewed our acquaintance, which was nice! Shortly after we left & caught a taxi back to Soi 13 for another late night street drink. A couple of beers later it was time for bed, Andy & Ho were leaving the next day so that would leave me alone in Bangkok for my last night, oh lordy!

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 8

Chapter 8 - Skyscraper

"Can i reach it now, im not up here often, God only knows and he aint talkin', im a skyscraper"

I left Pai Lin & got dropped off at Phuket airport. Before long i was back in Bangkok & got my next transfer taxi from there. I was pleased a man stood at arrivals with a board with my name on, i'd always wanted to be greeted by someone like this but the plonker had spelled my name wrong! Oh well. I got dropped off at the "Honey" hotel & by chance as i was checking in Andy breezed into reception, he said we'd be meeting later in the evening & going for something eat and a few drinks but i wasnt sure where we were bound for, that was a secret for now. I went to my room & got settled in. After being treated to 2 really nice hotels earlier in my trip the room in the Honey was a bit of a come down, it was cheaper but the room was really small, the bed was proper comfy though. The hotel itself was ok with good staff & a cafe next door, so all in all for the money i couldnt grumble.

I met Andy & Ho in the evening &d to see some friendly faces put thoughts of Phuket/Karon Beach out of my mind, hell, i was on the final leg of my holiday & was living each day as it came. Not much time for looking back (other than to share my Phuket tales with Andy). We took a taxi to Baiyoke Tower, Thailands highest building & the place we would be eating at. As the taxi pulled up i saw how immense the building was. Baiyoke Towe is the tallest building in Bangkok & is over 300 metres high, it has numerous restaurants & bars inside it, there is even a golf driving range on the 18th floor! The piling/foundation of the building runs 65 metres underground, thats about the same size as a 22 storey building! The lobby of the hotel was bustling & it was clear to see that it much more than a hotel, it was also a mini shopping centre! We had to take about 2 or so lifts to get to the restaurant on the 76th floor & paid about 500 baht/£10 for an "all you can eat" buffet meal. There was a cornucopia of food on offer, rice, noodles, seafood, steak, sushi, chips, pasta, duck, curry & much more besides, i was hungry &ready for this sumptuous repast! I dont usually drink alcohol with a meal, i had a coke & found that it was refillable with as much ice as you could want, mint!! I made my way through about 3 or 4 platefuls of various types of food & enjoyed the lot, i made a pig of myself by troughing most of the above delicacies but who cares, im on holiday. Andy was raving about the steak so i thought id try a bit, i went to the counter &the guy behind it put a fresh piece on the griddle, then turned it over, it was cooked in about 30 seconds, ace! Next to the steak counter were large pots of pepper sauce & mushroom sauce, no stone left unturned foodwise then! After all the savoury stuff i fancied a dessert, which i dont normally do as im a savoury kind of guy but i found something that was different & that i liked. I tried a dessert from a "cray pot"which resembled a large earthenware jug & inside was a warm concoction of coconut milk &bananas. Very nice & like nothing id ever had before. We'd all had a good feed & i noticed that Ho's plate was brimming with king prawns & even a full crab! Ho is a very slim woman but she can eat loads & loves seafood, her plate looked like a fishmongers dustbin!

After the meal we made our way to the top floor of the tower which is revolving roof & we had a great view of Bangkok by night. I could see the lights from the traffic which were small distant blurs down below. As i looked down i could see a much smaller building with people on that roof, they must've been about 150 metres below us & they were still high up in the scheme of things. I dont normally like heights but up there i felt comfortable up there, it was a great feeling & a great view at the top of the world! After this we made our way down to street level & went for a couple of drinks in an Irish bar before going to the "Log Home" a hotel where Andy & Ho got married. We had a few drinks in the bar where there was a live band playing rock music covers. Eventually the bar closed & we made our way to Soi 13 for another drink. Soi 13 is a street where people come for late drink on the street as the bars in Thailand close at about 1am. There are small plastic tables & chairs there & the vendors sell beer & food from their trolleys/stands. After a couple of beers it was time to go home, i had a really great evening & the memories of the food & view from Baiyoke tower would stay with me.

After another long day i was pleased to get to bed as we had another big day ahead of us tomorrow, we were to visit the Grand Palace & reclining Buddha.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 7

Chapter 7 - Nobody does it better.

"I wasn't looking, but somehow you found me"

I woke up and said bye to Pi Pi in the morning. I pottered around for an hour or two before heading off into town for some lunch. I picked a restaurant and ordered duck with pineapple and of course chips! When my meal arrived i couldn't believe it, the duck was inside a carved out pineapple and was really nice but a bit too heavy for a midday meal, still i enjoyed it all the same and had an iced strawberry drink to cool off after the duck (and chips!). I left the restaurant and went back to the hotel to get my towel etc ready for an hour or two on the beach.

The beach was directly opposite my hotel and they're weren't many people on it, but then it was a fairly long beach. I found a quiet spot set my stuff down and went in the sea. I can't remember the last time i went in the sea it really was that long ago but it was brilliant. There were no rocks, stones, seaweed or any funny objects in there, i walked to about 40 metres out letting the breakers smash against my chest. Even this far out i was only just up to my shoulders and spent about an hour in there just enjoying floating around and relaxing in the sun. It was a beautiful day, quiet, peaceful and i was loving it, i didn't have a care in the world. I stayed on the beach for a little longer but then left as i didn't want to get sunburn, i had a caught some on my arms and feet on the boat trip yesterday and didn't want to add to this. I therefore decided that i would go for a "sunburn" massage at a place just around the corner from my hotel. The sunburn massage comprised of having cold wet towels placed all over my body and then some of gel rubbed in afterwards. It was of slight relief to me and for the money (250baht/£5) it was a good experience, other than the mouthy swedish lady in the next cubicle who wouldn't stop talking. After this i went back to the hotel and had a cocktail at the poolside bar prior to heading off to bed for a nap.

I got up in the late afternoon and went back to the Swedish restaurant i went to the night before to have another Schnitzel in red wine sauce. I then headed off into town to have my final beers at "bar with no name". It was fairly quiet in the bar that night but i managed so sink more than a few whilst watching a couple of games of footy. As the hours wore on 1,2 and 3 am passed so i thought i ought to consider going to bed. I said goodbye to Andy, and the lady behind the bar (Pai Lin) and began to make my way out, Pai Lin enquired as to why i had been eyeing her up for 3 days and not done anything about it, so i said fair enough Ill wait for you to finish to finish work and we can go on late date. Pai Lin was shocked that i liked her enough to wait another hour or so before she finished work so i sat myself down and some more Singha Beer. About an hour later we left for real and i said my goodbyes again. I had really enjoyed drinking in the "bar with no name" and began to wish i wasn't going back to Bangkok the next day. Anyway i had great time with Pai Lin, she was very intelligent and a decent, honest person, not to mention very attractive with the best smile i had seen in thailand. I had promised myself i wouldn't go over the top with anyone i met on holiday but i liked her so much i lowered my defences and let myself fall in love with her. I really wished i could have spent more time with her and got to know her better and who knows if i hadn't had a job and a mortgage to come back to i may still have been there with her now. I think i would have at least stayed until my money ran out and was cursing the fact i hadn't booked to stay in Karon Beach a day or two longer. But sadly it wasn't to be, i was up the next morning and Pai Lin said she wanted me to stay and be her boyfriend, but hey, i live in england, she lives in thailand, it's was not going to happen. Pai Lins words for our brief encounter were "Special, special, special", i would definitely agree with that. As sad as i was to leave Phuket and Pai Lin i had to go, i was surprised that only after a few days i had genuine feelings for someone, but it was a holiday romance, i packed my feelings up, put them on a shelf in the back of my mind for safe keeping and as the taxi drove away with heavy heart i waved goodbye.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 6

Chapter 6 - The man with the golden gun

"His eye may be on you or me, who will he bang?, we shall see oh yeah"

I was up & ready early doors after last nights pleasure/pain shenanigans. I waited outside my hotel & got worried when my lift hadn't arrived 15 minutes it was due. Taxis were coming & going & none of them had my name on their list but eventually it arrived & we got on our way. It took about 45 minutes to get to Ao Po harbour where our boat would be setting off from & upon arrival there were loads of tourists knocking about all ready for their own taste of the James Bond island tour. About 3 seconds after getting out of our people carrier a young thai lad approached me placed a sticker on my chest & walked away, i gathered that the sticker was my pass to the tour & went and bought a couple of drinks from a nearby store. It was a red hot day & the sun hadn't really made an appearance yet so i stocked up on liquids. I also bought a bunch of bananas as i had heard that at some stage during the island tour a group of monkeys might make an appearance so i thought id get some fruit "ammunition" to keep them from nicking my personal items. I needn't have bothered we didn't see one monkey all day but no big deal there.

Anyway i made my way onto the boat & luckily there were only about 20 people on it so there was plenty of room to stretch out & enjoy the ride. We set off on our journey & after about 20 minutes our guide Leo gave us the low down on the plan of the days events. Leo was a good guide & quite a character, he & his crew looked after everyone all day, nothing was too much trouble for them. We sailed past island after island & as we went the sun shone more & more & it became a beautiful day. After about an hour we stopped near to a large island & then Leo announced that it was time for us to get in the canoes! I looked down at the back of the boat and there about 10 inflatable canoes waiting for us to get in. Leo told me that i had was privileged to be in a "VIP" canoe but i read between the lines and sussed that because i was the tallest (and widest) person on the boat that i would be the only passenger in mine. I tentatively got in my canoe and sat in front of thai lad who valiantly paddled me away from the boat. We travelled to a nearby island about 40 metres away and it was time to disembark adjacent to some rocks, no jettys or quays here! Well, what a performance getting out of the canoe, i nearly fell in the sea & managed to tread on the hand of my guide as i got out, sorry mate! Anyway, i had made it to dry land & my guide showed a short caved area that led into a small lagoon inside the island. It was beautiful, the water was slightly murky but there was a large rock in the middle of the lagoon which rose graciously upwards and as i looked up i saw that we were in a small circular area where the sun was shining directly into, it was like something from Jurassic park. There was a large tree about 40 metres above where i could see loads of reddy brown coloured bats just hanging in the morning sun, one or two of them were even flying around and with their wings spread they looked about 3 feet wide. We stayed there for a moment or two and then my guide led me through another short caved area before getting back in our canoe & continuing our journey. We paddled away from our boat around the edge of the island for about a half mile & then turned a corner & headed in a tunnel area where it was pitch black. As we progressed into the tunnel my guide passed a small (and very weak) flashlight & as i shone it i could stalagtites hanging down from the ceiling, at times i had to duck down to avoid them but that was all part of the fun, i could reach out & touch them. I then heard squeeking noises coming from the ceiling & as i aimed the flashlight upwards saw that there were hundreds of bats up there. We continued around a corner & i saw light approaching around the bend, i noticed that we were nearing the end of the tunnel & that as we left it there was a area where the sun could permeate that was different in colour to the rest of the tunnel. It was brilliant white & looked as though it was covered in ice but that was the effect of the suns rays on that particular area, absolutely amazing. We then made our way back to the boat & i got back on, i had enjoyed the ride but had had enough canoeing for one day.

When everyone was back on the boat the tour continued to another island where there loads of other tourists on their boats were congregating. I stayed on the boat & had a nap whilst the others had a swim or took had a paddle in the canoes. This took us to dinnertime & Leo & the crew had provided a nice lunch of rice, noodles, prawns, chicken & Tom Yam Koong. After that it was time for the highlight of the tour James Bond Island.

I am not sure what James Bond island is actually called, some call it Pi Pi & others Pang Na but thats not important, after all its James Bond island , Roger Moore island, after all he is the best Bond. As we neared the island I could see the famous rock which peeked out between the islands higher surroundings on either side. We were then treated to a "Short-tailed speedboat" ride to the island. A short-tailed speedboat is about 20 metres long an quite narrow, at its greatest breadth it could seat about 3 or 4 people, these boats might a right racket & the rudder & motor was nearly as long as the boat. We got out of the boat and i saw that the island was bustling, there were boats coming in and out every few minutes and a few hundred people on the island at any one time. There were numerous stalls on offer all of which sold various items such as seashells, gifts & other tat, i was surprised there was no Bond memorabilia at all, you know, golden gun fridge magnets etc but maybe there is some sort of copyright issue. Past the stalls i saw the famous rock sitting slap bang in the centre of the whole island, it was magnificent, if you haven't seen it (or the film the man with the golden gun) the rock stems from the sea & is about 1/2 as wide at the bottom as it is at the top. It is truly an amazing sight. There is a small beach area in front of it which very coarse, but that don't matter, Sir Roger has trodden on it & that's good enough for me. There is a stairway that leads around the island & part way it up it offers & even more majestic view of the rock. I took the chance for a photo opportunity & it was a good 'un, i was so pleased i had it put onto a large canvas when i got home & it now hangs in my living room. I spent about 1 hour there before the short-tailed speedboat ride back to the boat & then back to Ao Po harbour. A life-long dream fulfilled.

Back at Ao Po we disembarked, said our goodbyes & expressed our thanks to Leo & his crew &then returned to Karon Beach. I had a quick relax in the hotel & received a call from Rich Keyworth to check how i was doing, very nicely thanks Rich! After a quick nap i got changed & went out for the night. I went to Swedish restaurant near to my hotel & had a Schnitzel in red wine sauce, nice, i love Schnitzel me! After that i had a walk down Karon Beach & into the "Bar with no name." where i shared my days experience with Andy (the co-owner of the bar) the other customers & the girl behind behind the bar i noticed the previous day. I had several Singha beers there before a quick walk to another bar where i met Pi Pi who kindly showed me the way to my hotel, after all, i was little tired, it had been a big day.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 5

Chapter 5 - Slippery when wet

I got myself up that morning and checked out of the Furama and it was without doubt the best hotel i had ever stayed in, good staff, very clean and well maintained. I gave the concierge a tip when i left and then got my taxi transfer to Bangkok airport to catch my flight to Phuket. The flight was a short one, just over an hour and on arrival the weather was fine and clearly this place was more of a holiday resort than grey Bangkok. I got a taxi to my resort which was called Karon Beach and one of the quieter places in Phuket which suited me fine as i was staying there first and foremost to go to James Bond island and secondly for a bit of a rest from the madness of Bangkok. I arrived at my hotel the Baan Karonburi in the mid afternoon, the hotel was just over the road from the beach and it had a nice pool and poolside bar. The reception area and staff were good too and my room was also of high quality with a nice balcony, the only downside i had no sea view but that's only a very minor gripe. All in all Ryo had booked me in to a really nice hotel and i was chuffed to bits with it and what i had seen of Phuket so far.

I went out at about 5pm for a wander and the main street was only a 5 minute stroll down the road. It wasn't long before i found an english bar "The bar with no name" and settled down for a few Singhas and a few games of pool with the staff/customers (cheers, Nat, Noi, Keith and Shaggy). This was a great bar with loads of tv's and sport on constantly, the only downside was that there were street vendors who kept coming into the bar trying to sell bangles, trinkets and other assorted tat. I also noticed a very attractive lady who was working behind the bar and broke the ice with her by getting her to teach me how to say "one more bottle please". Then as i usually the case when you're on holiday you usually meet someone who lives about 5 minutes away from you and this was no exception when i had a couple of beers with a guy called Mike. Mike showed me a couple of bars and in the first we were besieged by female attention as we walked off the street. Within minutes i found myself playing connect 4 with a couple of bar girls, surreal, but they love it over there. Anyway we moved on and went to the "Gun" bar. Mike suggested i try a massage there as he had heard good things about it and a lady called Mina who worked there. I met Mina and she led me to a bathroom that was tiled top to bottom and wall to wall, there was a bath in the corner into which a frothy lather was prepared and a lilo on the floor which i lay face down on. Ill leave the rest to your imagination but needless to say i had probably the most relaxing pleasurable experience of my life on that lilo. Unfortunately this pleasure was short lived as after this i had a quick lay down on a large tiled surfae in the bathroom, probably about 4 feet wide, 6 feet long and 4 feet high. I went to turn over and you've guessed it, fell off onto the floor right on my hip, shortly after this i made my excuses and left with my head hung low, what a plonker! By this time Mike had gone, he must've got sick of waiting for me or maybe was having a masage of his own, either way he had paid the bar tab, cheers Mike.

Following this i returned to "Bar with no name" where i had a couple of beers with co-owner an ex-pat called Andy with who i shared my recent catastrophe. I made my way back to the hotel by way of tuk-tuk at about 11pm as i needed an early night. The tuk-tuk was not like the ones in Bangkok it was a Daihatsu Carry van with benches for seats in the back, the back had been enlarged slightly to enable passengers to sit in and the whole thing ended up looking a scaled down version of Scooby Doo's "Mystery Machine. Still it was a nice feeling being driven home in what was essentially a "Sooty van". The early return was necessary as in the morning i was going to fulfil another life long dream. I was going to visit James Bond island.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 4

Chapter 4 - Bark at the moon

"Years spent in torment, buried in a nameless grave, now he has risen, miracles would have to save, those that the beast is looking for, listen in awe and you'll hear him, bark at the moon"

On day 3 i woke mid-morning and went for a walk. I didn't go too far as i hadn't really got my bearings and the traffic was still as mad as ever, so i wasn't confident about going too far. It was a nice, hot day and the sun managed to permeate through the high rises and large buildings in Bangkok where previously i had seen a greyness to the sky. I bought a few gifts for friends back home and as is the norm you have to barter a little with the vendors, i normally don't do this but it's part of the Thai culture so i was more than happy to play the game. I bought some pictures for a friend from a mute girl and found myself bartering by way of calculator, she typed the price in then i typed mine in and we met somewhere in the middle. I think she got a good price and i was happy with what i paid so all was good. Following this i returned to my hotel and saw the hotel travel agent to book the next leg of my trip as i was only staying at the Furama one more night. I hadn't booked the next 6 nights of my trip as i was keeping my options open on where to go next. The travel agent Ryo was really helpful and on telling him i'd like to go to Phuket found me a nice hotel, sorted my flights, transfers and booked me on the "James Bond Island" boat trip. Cheers Mr Ryo.

Following this i fancied a nice massage to ease my aching body. I hadn't had much time to relax following the long flight and 2 days of beer-drinking and hell-raising with the lads so it was time to relax. I went to Boonsita massage just up the road from my hotel and had a 1 hour oil massage. This was just what i needed and to start with it was very relaxing, part way through however the pain factor increased when the lady started using her elbows to manipulate my back. All in all it was good and about 60% relaxation versus 40% pain seemed fair enough in the end. After the massage i had a nice shower and a glass of tea that was waiting for me in the reception, all this for just over a fiver. Great value and a nice experience from a professional lady in a professional establishment, no funny business so cool your jets you perverts! After this i had a nice afternoon nap prior to meeting Andy at my hotel later.

I met Andy and we were to go back to his hotel the "Honey" to meet his wife Ho and her friend Al. On the way we got in a tuk-tuk which is a three-wheeled vehicle that you may have seen in the James Bond film "Octopussy". I had heard these were a potentially dangerous method of transportation but our journey passed without incident and we arrived at the "Honey" in one piece. We went for a beer and met Ho and Al, i hadn't seen Ho for over a year and it was nice to meet her again and Al was a nice lady too. Anyhoo we finished our drinks and set off for a meal together at the "Seafood Market" i was excited, i was going to have my first lobster!

We tipped up at the Seafood Market and it certainly was a large, impressive place from the outside. It was like pulling up outside a nice hotel, i could see the kitchen area on our way in and i knew we were going to a proper nice place. The inside didn't let me down either. It is a vast building with room for many hundreds of people, the staff were very smartly dressed and the atmosphere was busy yet ambient. We were shown to our table and ordered drinks, then we when to select our food. The produce was on show like you might see in a fishmongers, all fresh and tightly packed in ice. I selected my lobster and some oysters, whilst this selection was going on i noticed we were being followed by a waitress with a shopping trolley, the items we selected were placed in the trolley and then we went to a supermarket style checkout to pay for them. After this we went back to our table and the waiters took our order regarding how we wanted our food cooked. After only a few minutes the food started to arrive, we had about 4 large plates to share of rice, mushrooms, beans and asparagus, all cooked to perfection. As is the Thai way you share the food and try a little of what is on each plate, its nice to share. I tried an oyster but couldn't swallow it so it ended up being chewed and then swallowed, not exactly the best way to consume it but it was ok. Then it was time for the lobster. When it arrived i was overwhelmed, it was massive and looked lovely. I took a massive chunk of it and it was gorgeous, very meaty with only the faintest taste and smell of seafood, we also had some king prawns and the whole meal was excellent. I had ordered 2 bottles of wine to share and these were nice also, however, they were expensive and came to around £20 each. I didn't mind i was on holiday and couldn't care about money, hell i'd been grafting like mad to pay for this so i figured i'd earned it. Anyway the meal, the wine, the restaurant and more importantly the company were all perfect so i had a great experience there. Following the meal we dropped Al off as she was working the next day and Andy, Ho and myself went to a german bar called Bei Otto. Ho used to work there and that is where she and Andy met so it was nice for them to go back there. It was a really nice bar with a fountain outside which added to the ambience and we were even treated to an appearance by Mr Otto himself. Andy and Ho know Mr Otto and i am assured that he is so busy that to see him in the flesh is a luxury. Following this slice of the high life i fancied downgrading my evening and me and Andy went to Nana Plaza (another notorious area of Bangkok) while Ho caught up with her colleagues at Bei Otto.

Like i said Nana Plaza is notorious in much the same way that Soi Cowboy is and we sampled a couple of bars. In the second (I cant remember the name) i met a nice lady called "Moon" we had a couple of drinks and Moon kindly offered to show me the way back to my hotel. I said goodbye to Andy and confirmed i would meet him at the "Honey" when i returned from Phuket. After a short tuk-tuk ride we arrived at the Furama where we were greeted by the same concierge from the 1st night whose smile was broader than ever. When Moon saw how nice my room was she immediately picked up a pencil and pad and gave me her telephone number and e-mail address. She then went on to say that we should buy a condominium together because she loved me so much, yeah right, im not daft Moon, things like this always happen to me. Anyway i got some drinks and nibbles from the mini-bar, Moon put the pencil down and stopped all the claptrap. Needless to say it was a full moon that night!

Popularity contests involving dancing

Ok, im not really into reality tv that much but i am p****d off how much people take to heart these saturday night dance offs that are little more than popularity contests. Now dont get me wrong, i think that these celebrities who want to learn something new and set themselves up for a fall in public is admirable.

My point though is this.

When "Come dancing" was broadcast many years ago no one watched it so it was pulled. No one wanted to watch professional and talented dancers doing what they do to the best of their ability but they will watch 3rd rate celebrities doing it badly.

Are you settling for less? Just a thought.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 3

Chapter 3 - Crazy Train - "All aboard"

After a wild first night i slept in all morning and most of the afternoon. I had arranged to meet Rich and Andy in my hotel at 4pm so i hustled Op out at about 3.30 so i could get ready for round 2. Unfortunately due to a drunken misunderstanding they didn't arrive until 5.30, with both of them asking where was i when they all met at 4. I felt compelled to defend myself and reminded Rich of our conversation in the wee hours.

Rich - "Ok, we'll meet you in the Beer Garden at 4. Do you know where that is?

Me - "No."

Rich - "Ok, meet at my hotel at 4, do you know where that is?"

Me - "No."

Rich - "Ok, we'll meet at your hotel at 4."

Me - "Brilliant, i know where that is."

Anyway after everyone conceding i was right we went for something to eat prior to meeting up with Chris and Neil later. We went to a german restaurant just up the road from my hotel and ate thai food there. I had chicken and cashew nuts (to make up for the ones Cowgirl had lifted from my mini bar last night) and of course chips! Andy suggested i also try Tom Yam Koong, which is a spicy soup with prawns and mushrooms lurking in the bottom of it, a strange brew but pretty tasty.

Following our meal we met up with Chris and Neil at the "Sports " bar at about 8. I was pleased that Chris and Neil had taken pity on my cashew nut theft and had purchased a pack for me to shut me up whining about it. Cheers lads! Anyway after a few beers we started on our journey to Patpong, another area of Bangkok with much to offer! We travelled by the Bangkok Skytrain (BST) which is basically a monorail that winds its way through the city about 15 metres above the crazy traffic below. The BST is a cheap and quick way to travel and it is also air-conditioned so it is also comfortable. Unfortunately for glasses wearers like myself the moment you step off the BST the humidity hits you right between the eyes and your glasses steam up immediately. Best wipe those clean or you'll miss the delights of Patpong.

We started off by going in a couple of bars and much the same as the previous night were the subject of attention from the Thai bar girls. I was sat at the bar having a beer whilst having a nice shoulder massage from a nice Thai lass, cool! The next bar was much the same but this place had some entertainment laid on. In the centre of the bar was a Thai boxing ring where a couple of fellas were goign toe to toe WWE style. it was clear that this was not a real fight as the combatants were hitting each other on the gloves but nevertheless they put on a decent show. At the end of the rounds there was usually a few late punches or someone being pushed over the ropes which all added to the entertainment. After a couple of fights the boxers came amongst the patrons of the bar to get some tips for their efforts, well done lads. All this whilst another Thai lass was rubbing my neck and shoulders while i downed a cool Singha beer, yes i was on holiday!

After this we slowed the pace down a touch and Andy and I went to "Muzzik" bar for a cocktail, I think Rich and Neil went to change some money whilst Chris went watch shopping! Personally i think he had bagged himself a ladyboy but i'll give him the benefit of the doubt i suppose! There was a decent live band on and they were playing rock and pop covers such as "Sultans of swing", "Howzat!" and "Big girls don't cry." A few drinks later and we were back out, we went to the "Kangaroo" bar where i met a nice lass called Ya, a pretty lady with a gorgeous smile. I think i was smiling too shortly after when we left the bar. I cant remember the name of the next place as were rushing about to get in there as it had started chucking it down outside. Anyway whilst in the bar we did the usual beer thing and i sat talking to Andy. After a couple of minutes i felt a tug on my testicles and looked down to see a wizened old lady of about 90 years stood in front of me. The testicle pull ploy was obviously to get my attention to the fact that she was selling cheap cigarettes and for some reason dead roses! No thanks luv! I pointed her in the direction of Chris and had to laugh when she approached him and tugged his sack in the same way she had mine, she must've liked Chris much more than me as she began licking her lips and sticking her tongue out at him. I think Chris became aroused at this point.

Anyway, Rich knew someone who worked in the bar and she took us to a pool hall to finish the night off. It was ok inside but it was located in a small block of flats and was off the beaten track, slightly worrying but no problems inside. Time was getting on and we all decided to call it a night at about 3 am. Rich was going back to Chiang Mai the next day and Chris and Neil were also heading back home the day after so it was time for goodbyes to friends old and new. I had really enjoyed the two days/nights with Rich, Chris and Neil and we had all got on enjoyed ourselves. Still it left me and Andy in Bangkok a little longer with plenty of time left to cause some carnage.

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 2

Chapter 2 - Nine lives - "Won't somebody save me. Won't anybody, somebody save me."

I walked up front with Chris, who was giving me the "low down" on the Soi Cowboy etiquette (if there is such a thing) with Andy, Neil & Rich behind us. The streets seemed easier to negotiate now, but i put that down to the gradual dulling of Singha beer as the traffic hadnt really dissapated that much. We walked for about 5 or so minutes & Glory Be we arrived at the bottom (or top depending on which way you tackle it) of Soi Cowboy.

Soi Cowboy is a vibrant, pulsating, hubbub. There were more people in this one street than i had seen put together since we left the "Sports" bar. All at once all & sundry were vying for our attention trying to get us in one bar or another. All the bars on the street have a curtain rather than a doorway & all will welcome you in, the curtain is a nice touch, it promises privacy yet a touch of the unknown. There were ladies on the street trying their best to outdo their neighbours from the next bar & entice us into their place but my guide knew where we were going. We went into "Long Gun" & all of a sudden my eyes opened wide.

The place was alive, buzzing & clearly a good stop for weary travellers such as myself. Inside was heady mix of rock music, dancing ladies, alcohol & punters. I had never seen anything like it! We sat down & within moments i was talking to 2 ladies who worked there, we had a drink together & enjoyed the show. The lady on the stage was smoking 2 cigarettes at once, but not out of her mouth, when i saw this my jaw dropped big time & Chris and Rich spotted this. "The look on your face" they both said. It wasnt the fact as where she was smoking the fags from but the fact i wasnt allowed to smoke in the bar myself! The act continued with some "banana launching/catching" & then culminated in balloons being passed around & "popped" with great precision by the girl on stage firing projectiles into the crowd. After that, and to top it all, most of the girls there all got on stage & danced to "All my life" by the Foo Fighters, one of my favourite songs. Phew, that was enough for me by now so i retired to my hotel with "Cowgirl" to take a break.

Upon arrival at the Furama the concierge gave me a smile & opened the taxi door. When inside my room "Cowgirl2 decided to raid my mini bar & i was down by one bottle of beer & a pack of roasted cashew nuts. About 1 hour later i dropped "Cowgirl" off to meet her friends & returned to Soi Cowboy.

I couldnt find the lads at first so took a breather & went to the "Ship Inn" for a quiet drink. Whilst i was there i heard a tremendous, tumultuous racket. This turned out to be a blind lady walking down the street with a karaoke machine strapped to her body whilst a man with no legs crawled after her. The money i gave them is insignificant to us westerners but hopefully put food on their table for a week or so. We really dont know how lucky we are.

Anyway, i made one last attempt to find the lads and struck lucky in "Country Roads". They were all there large as life & my return met with cheers of adulation. I'd found them & was delighted as id have gone home if i hadnt have found them. Andy suggested i sing in the bar but i wasnt really up for it, however, he sang "Delilah" & i wasnt prepared to leave the challenge there. I got up there and did the old classic "Mustang Sally" but this time with a live band behind me (i've sung it loads but only on karaoke) & i was (if i say it myself) brilliant. I got off the stage to a massive round of applause and much recognition, especially from John & Dennis two american chaps. I was buzzing & when the man at the end of the bar pointed to a large sweet jar containing money i thought i must have won some sort of talent contest.

Man points to jar

Me - "Is that for me?"
Man nods head

Me - "Is that for me are you sure?"
Man nods head

Me "Really, is that for me?"
Man nods head and points to jar.

Me "Really, all that money for me?"
Man nods head.

Hell, i took all the money (except coins) from the jar & went back to the lads, what with me winning the (or so i thought) talent contest. About 30 seconds later i got a tap on the shoulder from a guy saying i had taken the bands "tip" jar. Luckily he saw the funny side & i returned the tips, how was i to know i thought i'd won something!
Anyway, that seemed a lucky escape so i thought id go outside for a cigarette, where i met "Op" a very nice lady who arranged a street BBQ for us consisiting of chicken, liver & something else no one dare touch (lord knows what it was). Whilst i was getting to know Op the lads made their way home (saying they would meet me at 4pm at my hotel the next day, very important this) & so i was left on my own. I was worried, my first day in Bangkok & i was left to fend for myself. Thankfully Op was not only great at BBQs she also had excellent navigational skills & made sure i got home OK, very nice of her i thought. We arrived at the hotel at about 4am, same concierge, bigger smile!

Anyway, taking into account "Cowgirl" if i was a cat i'd be dead. Could i rustle enough strength to carry on into the next day? The lads will expect it, but then again the days events had tired me out. Forget it im, out again tonight, testing the delights of Patpong!

Operation "Blunderbuss" Part 1

Chapter 1 Learn to fly - "Someone tell all of the angels, this could take all night"

Ok, so i hadnt had a holiday for almost 6 years since i went to Holland for my 30th birthday/new year celebration, i thought it was about time i had one. I had recently made contact with my old mate Rich Keyworth, Rich & i were at school together, used to work for a security company &were also drinking buddies. I hadnt seen Rich in about 8 years & wasnt even aware he had been living in Thailand for the last 5 of those, i thought it would be a good idea to combine a reunion with a holiday, so i contacted Rich & organised a meeting in Bangkok in October.

I booked the holiday in July & in order that i could get an insight into what to expect i contacted my mate Andy Sunderland who is a "Thai Guru", has been visiting Thailand for many years & is married to a Thai Lady. I met Andy at a local pub & found that by coincidence that he & his wife Ho would be in Bangkok at the same time as me. Andy also told me he knew Rich which i wasn't aware of, so it became even more of a coincidence & significant reunion for us all. To add to this i received a facebook friend request from a friend of Richards, Chris Turnbull who would also be holidaying in Thailand at the same time with his friend Neil Ford. Now be 5 of us taking Bangkok by storm in October.

I couldn't sleep the night before i was due to fly as i was too excited & just couldnt wait to get going. My brother Chris picked me up from home & dropped me at Sheffield train station where i traveled to Birmingham New Street then onto Birmingham International. The flight (Turkish Airlines) was delayed by half an hour so no big deal there. On the way over i got sat next to a lovely lass called Ella & she helped pass the time with intelligent & fun conversation before we landed at Istanbul & went our separate ways. I was aware that i had to wait around 6 hours for my connecting flight to Bangkok so got my copy of the Da Vinci Code & started reading. As much as i like the book after about 4 or 5 hours i began to tire of airport life, i was becoming uptight & restless which as time passed turned into grumpiness & frustration. At one stage i considered getting on a flight to Beirut as i was so bored of waiting for my flight, but i managed to keep my cool & remain patient. I was due to fly at 2335hrs but the security staff were still admitting passengers through the metal detector thingy at 0100hrs, at about 0120hrs we finally took off.

The flight went about as well as could be expected, i managed about 2 hours sleep which is a lot for me but i was glad i didnt sleep more as i would have missed one of the most breathtaking sights i ever saw. As i flew over India i could see Kathmandu and Everest poking majestically through the clouds, the visibility was excellent due to it being a bright, clear, crisp morning making this view even better. This had certainly lifted my spirits & it felt like the frustration i had at Istanbul had been left there when i did! I landed at Bangkok at about 1340hrs on 16/10 & this was only about 40 minutes late as we had made up time on the second leg of the flight. I met Rich at the airport, we got a taxi & made our way into Bangkok. The journey took almost an hour & we arrived at my hotel (Furama Xclusive) where Andy was there waiting for us. It was nice to meet up & after a quick change of clothes the lads took me for my first taste of Bangkok.

My first impressions of Bangkok were that the traffic was crazy, there were thousands of cars, bikes, tuk-tuks & other vehicles all of which seemed to be driven in a rather random & haphazard fashion. I then noticed the variety of people on the streets, there were street vendors, some selling food others clothing, trinkets, gifts & various other sorts of tat. There were also people begging for money, some of whom seemed to playing on their age (they were either very old or very young) & some who had more unfortunate reasons such as disabilities or loss of limbs. The smell of the Bangkok drains was also noticeable & when coupled with the aromas created by the street vendors this became rather unpleasant.

We were due to meet Chris & Neil at 2000hrs & so went for a couple of drinks in a bar in the afternoon before then. I am normally a wine drinker but thought i would give the beer a go this time around so I tried a Singha & have to say really enjoyed it, this would become my drink of choice for the rest of the holiday. When you buy drinks you start a tab & pay for it when you leave which suited me just fine. Anyway we used this time to get up to speed with each other before leaving & going to another bar called the "Beer Garden". The Beer Garden is a huge open plan bar which was very lively & full of western males looking to meet the many Thai ladies also there. We had a drink & i had a good look around, there were some really attractive women, i also noticed a ladyboy who was approached by & subsequently left with a male in his 50's. I asked Andy if there was any sort of moral code for warning people that the person they were with was not a woman but he said "It might be what he wants." Fair point Andy, each to his own. Anyway we left the Beer Garden & went to meet Chris & Neil at the "Sports" bar. After making our introductions it was clear we all got on & were going to have a great time. Neil was clearly a man who was making the most of his holiday. He & Chris had been to Pattaya prior to arriving in Bangkok & Neil was telling me about a lady he had met who he seemed quite taken with due to the fact that "You can fit both arse cheeks in one hand!" It appeared that Chris had encouraged Neil to come to Thailand & had in the process created a monster! So, after a couple of beers we set off walking to a more lively area, one of the more notorious places in Bangkok, i was about to have my first taste of the Bangkok nightlife at Soi Cowboy.

Mirror

When you look into the mirror do you see a face you hardly recognise?

I did, took me a long time and maybe i'm still not quite there yet. But i'm on my way, i know some things you don't know. It's got a lot, lot easier, but then acceptance of a situation is knowing. Its a knowing of who you are, where you might go and what you might do.

Away from the mirror I know lots of things that you dont know but you will still judge me regardless. If i had the time i'd tell you but that would put me in danger, i could have a knife in my back, a broken heart or at the very least a hard time.

Fair enough, i've laid my bed but i haven't made it.

Mirror, i've shown you the inside and the outside of me, what is false, what is true, where i want to go and what i want to do.

So why isn't it enough for me?
Or you?

Lucy Sanchez's millenium diary (every 6 seconds part 2)

31st December 1999

10.33 - Woke up & had a great breakfast, as usual JC stayed in bed for a bit after i'd got up but it's going to be a very long, (and hopefuly) verrrrrry special day.

11.41 - I checked the rings, they were gorgeous and perfect, just what i'd always dreamed of, i'd been looking at them about 20 times a day & never got tired of it. They were glistening like wet otters in the morning sun. I can now hear my perfect man JC up & pottering about, only about 12 hours to go before the big moment, i dont think he has a clue whats coming, tee hee. I'm so excited & blissfully happy. For some reason daddy wasnt too keen on JC but as much as i love him & i'll always be his little girl, i need to do this, its what i was made for.

14.50 - JC has been in the bath for about 2 hours what does he find to do in there?

17.18 -Had tea with JC, he'd spent a few hours in his study reading, he must also have been moving some of the furniture around in there, because i could hear a lot of grunting, puffing & panting. He's so strong & mysterious, sometimes his mind appears to float away, hes often involved in some deep thought, they must be happy thoughts as he ususally has a smile on his face when he does this. He's so sensitive, i cant believe that in a matter of hours i'm going to pop the quesition, i just know he'll say yes!

18.00 - I began to get ready, i got out the new dress i'd bought, i'd spent £800 on it but it's worth it, if i say so mysef i look hot in this, theres no way JC could say no to me wearing this. I'll be the belle of the ball & JC will be my Prince Charming, this is so perfect, i hope i'm not dreaming.

21.12 - We were having a great night all our friends were there, everyone knew what i was planning to do, except JC of course. JC was his usual self, the life & soul of the party one second, in solitude with his thoughts the next, thats my JC for you.

23.50 - Me & the girls went to the toilet to powder our noses or whatever, the excitement was building & they were teasing & singing "going to the chapel & were gonna get married", stop it you rotten lot, you're embarrasing me. Secretly though i loved it, this was a wonderful time of my life & i wanted to enjoy every moment.

23.53 - My pulse was racing, it was nearly midnight only a few minutes away, i couldnt wait, i wanted to ask him right here, right now. Pacience Lucy.

23.56 - I nearly asked him a moment ago, oh my god, dont spoilt it, wait till Big Ben chimes.

23.58 - This is it, the tv had crossed over to Trafalgar Square, there were thousands there, all merry & happy, no one would be as happy as me in a minutes time!

23.59 - The countdown began, i took a deep breath & waited, it felt like i standing on the edge of a whole new life with the most fantastic man i'd ever met.

10, 9 - its no good i cant wait

8, 7 - I shouted JC will you marry me?

6,5 - JC was deep in thought, he turned, looked at me, smiled & said.......

Soapy tit w*nks.

Gourmet cat food

Holy shit, why the heck does this product exist, cats are one of natures basest and self sufficient hunters, they wll drag dead birds into your house and are happy with that.

Do they really want to eat some reformed concoction of rabbit, turkey, monkfish or impala that is meant to appeal to the more discerning feline. I dont think so Joe.

Cats are like T-rexes, you might not see them for a week or two but they will never starve.

Potorama

Origins - I cant remember the exact date but it was around the time when "The Word" was on, me & some friends formed a band, i think we were about 15. When i say band i dont mean we were up to the standards of The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin or Chas & Dave but we were certainly better than, Take That, 911, N-SYNC & Nirvana.

Lineup*
Tim - Vox
Mark - Electric guitar
Al Sithee - Keyboard
Lee - Vox, African drum**

*The band members would swap instruments on all 3 albums.
** Second album

Styles & influences - The music was varied in style, from thrash to rock to rap & back again. This was because the band members had varied musical tastes, Tim was into rap & indie, Mark was a part time goth & Al was (& still is) a prog-rocker & metalhead. Even though the influences were poles apart the arrangement & structure of the songs was such that each member was able to express himself. This didn't happen on each & every song but there was no controlling element in the band, we were very much a democracy. When looked at as a whole the collection of Potorama material showed the varied styles coming through at some point, this was amazing as none of us could really get enthusiastic about the others musical preferences. Tim was chiefly the lyric writer & easily the most creative member of the band, Al fixed the arrangement & Mark had a knack of laying down guitar parts to fit the song perfectly every time.

The band name - The band was initially called Madges psychedelic swimming pool until Tim came up with Potorama. The original name was a "hat-tip" to an episode of australian soap opera Neighbours where young flat-topped scallywag Todd Landers added some sort of chemical to Madge Ramseys swimming pool causing the water to turn purple. Potorama was a tribute to a person who will remain nameless, it has no reference to pot as in snooker or recreational drugs.

The first album - The first album was a collection of infantile, juvenile, off the cuff songs. The hi-light is Alan which was performed in i think one take perfectly. The song requires a degree of skill & timing to play as it requires a full stop on all instruments at the same time to really make the song work. The other songs were in similar vein & generally verbal comic attacks on various people in our lives. The recordings were the hardest & heaviest Potorama ever recorded.

The second album - The second album still had the hallmarks of Potorama but set out in a new direction. Some songs were recorded with the addition of a large african drum that Marks parents owned which gave a new sound. On reflection this second album was not as creative as the first, i think its fair to say the band were resting on their laurels somewhat. This led to the band "selling out" & doing cover versions of "Only fools and horses", "The flumps" & the theme from the old milky way advert. It still had excellent songs in "Bovver boy" & "Family strife" which were based on Marks personal life. Marks vocal contributions to these songs was excellent & if you know Mark fairly out of character, making them doubly good.

The third album - The 3rd & final outing was a return to form with Tims lyrics & song themes developing into storytelling whilst still keeping the Potorama trait of poking fun at those around us. Im particularly proud of the arrangements on this album, easily our best to date. I'd been doing some solo stuff at the time & i used a keyboard solo to a song taken from a piece i'd been working on called "Lights across the sky." Mark was on top form again, his playing had become much subtler but still perfectly in keeping with the songs.

The split - Potorama didnt so much split, it just hapenned that we never made any more music together. I think we'd become too good on our instruments & despite never playing a gig, word was spreading about the band. Rumours that we never spoke to each after a hotly contested game of Cluedo cannot be confirmed or denied. We all went our seperate ways & since then I see Tim a bit (who since confessed his shame on the offense our songs may have caused their subjects should they have heard them) but i've rarely seen Mark. A reunion was discussed with Mark but it never got further than that, i dont think it would be something i'd consider, but you never know. I dont know what Mark is up to now but the last time i saw him (7 or 8 years ago) he had finally seen the light & become a Led Zep fan.

Funky Troop and Analog Kid
Following the demise of Potorama the inevitible solo careers were attempted. Tim made songs under the name Funky Troop with keyboard virtuoso Neil who also collaborated with Al Sithees alter ego The Analog Kid. Since Potorama Tim had become more political in his approach to songwriting & what he did with Neil impressed me, even though it wasn't my sort of thing. It seemed Tim had a lot more up sleeve than he ever showed to Potorama, he had found a purpose to his lyrics & songwriting which seemed to happen overnight, although im sure he'd had this on the backburner for some time. What Funky Troop did was good & had a lot to say. Meanwhile Al Sithee had retreated into his prog-rock roots & recorded a cover of "Return of the Prince" by Canadas premier rock trio Rush as well as revamped versions of songs from his previous band "Sid & the Electricity Pylons". These solo outings eventually led to a "one-off" gig with Analog Kid supporting Funky Troop on Hoji's back garden.

What hapenned to the recordings - I have a tape copy of all 3 albums, i dont know if there are any more copies. I have a copy of the early Sid & the Electricity Pylons stuff along with the
Analog Kid and Funky Troop stuff but as i am luddite of the highest order i have no idea how to get this "webbed up".

Best songs
Alan - Vox/Keys, Al Sithee. Acoustic guitar, Tim. Electric guitar, Mark.
Flowers rap - Vox, Mark. Keys, Al Sithee.
Bum rap - Vox, Al Sithee/Tim. Keys, Al Sithee.
Bovver Boy - Vox, Lee/Mark. Keys, Al Sithee, African drum, Lee.
Family strife - Vox, Tim/Mark, Keys, Al Sithee, African drum, Lee.
B*** aka lights across the sky - Vox, Tim. Keys, Al Sithee. Electric guitar, Mark.
Bowel rupture - Vox, Tim. Keys, Al Sithee. Electric guitar, Mark.
My brothers a twat - Vox, Tim. Keys, Al Sithee. Electric guitar, Mark.

Influences
Rush
The Happy Mondays
Public Enemy
The Mission
Status Quo
Stevie Wonder
Lawnmower Deth

A very hot afternoon

I was 11 when i wrote this.

The blazing hot sun beats down onto the grass. It is very hot inside the classroom my clothes stick to me and i wish i had a long cold drink. It is very hot outside like a furnace burning old rubbish.

The sun is a circlet of yellow flame which silently sits in the skylike a wildcat ready to pounce.
The everlasting fire burns and burns.

The sun sits on the horizon making no sound.

The great fire starts to slowly move down below the horizon.

As the evening comes the weather changes dramatically and it begins to rain.

Quite a change from the very hot afternoon.

Every six seconds

Capt Sanchez - "Is the shuttle prepped and ready?"

JC - "We're good to go and ready to launch sir."

Capt Sanchez - "Ok JC, commence countdown."

JC - "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5....

Capt Sanchez - "JC?"

JC - "......."

Capt Sanchez - "Dammit, JC!"

JC - "......."

Capt Sanchez - "Goddammit JC!!!!!!!"

JC - "Big slippery knockers"

Pigeons

Have you ever seen a baby pigeon?

I bet you havent.

There are millions of pigeons all over the world, scavenging with their evil piercing eyes. It is impossible to circumnavigate one without it knowing exactly where you are, near or far.

But where do they live, and where do their babies grow, well my theory is this:

The pigeons we see in the course of our daily lives are in fact the babies and they are born by massive adult-sized parent pigeons and it is these that we never see. They are grouping their armies and waiting until the time is right to attack and in the meantime we are distracted by by throwing morsels of food at their babies.

We are lookin at the finger and not the moon.

The hedgehog and the lawnmower

Spiky, prickly, squeeling for breath
The hedgehog is being lawnmowered, lawnmowered to death
It lay on the ground bits of flesh strewn around
The hedgehog lay dying on the ground

Its head is severed the bloodline is cut
The frame and the body were cracked like a nut
It can no longer move it can no longer see
A message to all hedgehogs

Dont mess around with me!

Heavens edge

We'd had a great day out at the coastal town of Heavens Edge, me and her and the kids. What fun we had, all of us, i dont think any of us stopped smiling the whole day. The sun had his hat on!

I must admit i'd had some doubts before this and was going to leave you, but deep down i didnt want to, i'd made up my mind and invested my heart and future in this. I'm not going anywhere, I was living instead of existing.

Anyway all good things come to an end and we began the drive home, we were all laughing and talking and smiling but even then i began to detect a change in her, she went quiet. This was of great concern to me and when the sun went in and the cold an the clouds came i knew what was coming.

She stopped the car and said it was time for me to get out, i asked why and got numerous, unrelated paper thin reasons, none of which were consistent or in keeping with the mood of the day. I could see that the die was cast and after what seemed an age got out of the car. The car drove away and i was left at the side of the road, there were trees on both sides of the empty grey road. Now it was just me, the trees, the cold, the clouds, the road and a roadsign. I walked to the sign and read it.

It said:

You have now left Heavens Edge.