Having no interest in pretty much anything and in tandem with the fact i am a miserable, pedantic sod i thought i would waste some time pretending i had interviewed a team GB athlete from the 2012 Olympics.
Here is my pretend interview with a pretend person:
AL: Well you just missed out on qualification for the final of this event, what are your initial thoughts.
GB: You know, gutted you know, its, you know, gutting.
AL: It certainly looked like you were in with a shout until the last few seconds, that must be a huge disappointment?
GB: Yeah, no, yeah. Well obviously i gave it my all, you know and you know it just wasnt erm, enough you know, obviously. I gave 110% you know but, you know, it like just wasnt enough.
AL: You cant give 110%, 100% is the most you can give surely?
GB: Yeah, 110%.
AL: The crowd certainly got behind you what was the atmosphere like?
GB: Wow, you know, the crowd were like, you know amazing. You know, obviously you cant hear anything you know, you know, it was so loud, amazing.
AL: Still, those 4 years of hard work got you to the Olympics. Yours has been a story of tragedies, like when you dropped your car keys down a grate and also when you left your washing out in the rain and it got a bit damp.
GB: Yeah, you know, obviously i still cant believe i made it, you know, its like you know, a dream come true, you know.
AL: Any thoughts on retirement or will you be going for Rio 2016?
GB: You know, obviously i need to rest you know, obviously, and be with my family you know, they've been like amazing you know. Obviously, you know it depends on how much they pay me for sitting on my backside in the jungle for a fortnight. You know.
AL: Are you actually capable of stringing together sentence that actually means something?
GB: .....?????
AL: You're a bit thick arent you?
GB: Obviously.
Etc..........
Al Sithees' Big Generator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Farewell my little star, we wish you well. What about love i hear you say, but this is the bottom line, its over, i dont love you anymore. We had 100 nights of fun and games but here, in my time of dying, in this house of broken love, lies a better man.
Friday 10 August 2012
Saturday 26 May 2012
Review: Eurovision 2012
Ok, so this years Eurovision song contest isnt even half way through yet but the votes are in, this is a record as 15 acts still have yet to perform. This years winners are likely to have been act number 6 from Russia, basically they were 6 old ladies singing about having a party whilst they baked biscuits, or something. Crazy, but anything has to be better than the out of tune aural assault by act number 3, Albania. Ive rarely seen any act anywhere that could sing as badly as this, although UK's entry of some years ago "Gemini" spring to mind.
Anyway, in between all that there was the usual europop stuff that if you listen and close your eyes makes you think you are in a small bar in Corfu, or somewhere. Nothing to write home about really.
So, how did the home nations fare, well the United Kingdom came last with 4 points given to us by our neighbours Ireland who just pipped us by 75 points and came a respectable 4th. Despite having 2 crazed simpletons on their team. The rest of europe decided to ignore us for 3 hours but normal service will be resumed shortly when they become our friends again and want us to help them out of their own respective fiscal crisis.
And we will.
On a more positive note rumour has it the UK and Ireland will be joining forces next year in a bid to dominate and secure victory, Bono will be doing a duet with Alex Sotheran. Its a cover version of "Anything for my baby" by New York rockers Kiss.
Eurovision fact: The stage is as big as a football pitch but only a maximum of 6 people are allowed to perform. So its like a football match but with less idiots taking part.
Ok, so this years Eurovision song contest isnt even half way through yet but the votes are in, this is a record as 15 acts still have yet to perform. This years winners are likely to have been act number 6 from Russia, basically they were 6 old ladies singing about having a party whilst they baked biscuits, or something. Crazy, but anything has to be better than the out of tune aural assault by act number 3, Albania. Ive rarely seen any act anywhere that could sing as badly as this, although UK's entry of some years ago "Gemini" spring to mind.
Anyway, in between all that there was the usual europop stuff that if you listen and close your eyes makes you think you are in a small bar in Corfu, or somewhere. Nothing to write home about really.
So, how did the home nations fare, well the United Kingdom came last with 4 points given to us by our neighbours Ireland who just pipped us by 75 points and came a respectable 4th. Despite having 2 crazed simpletons on their team. The rest of europe decided to ignore us for 3 hours but normal service will be resumed shortly when they become our friends again and want us to help them out of their own respective fiscal crisis.
And we will.
On a more positive note rumour has it the UK and Ireland will be joining forces next year in a bid to dominate and secure victory, Bono will be doing a duet with Alex Sotheran. Its a cover version of "Anything for my baby" by New York rockers Kiss.
Eurovision fact: The stage is as big as a football pitch but only a maximum of 6 people are allowed to perform. So its like a football match but with less idiots taking part.
Tuesday 14 February 2012
Retro TV review
Ok,so i thought id review some old tv programmes, here goes.
The Crystal Maze
This show was conceived by its host Richard O'Brien, it was hi-tech, totally new and cost a bomb to make. The premise was that a team of six adventurers would enter the Crystal Maze which was divided into 4 zones. Aztec, Futuristic, Industrial and Council Estate Back Alley. Within each section the adventurers played a series of games which were split into, physical, mental, skill and mystery catergories. The team captain would choose which member would play each game. Should the adventurer succeed and beat the game they would win a crystal which was worth 5 seconds of time in the Crystal Dome, more of this later.
The team consisted of 6 strangers, 3 men and 3 women, the women had to have crazy hair and the men had to have massive taches. In order to be selected to go on the show you had to either be a computer programmer or estate agent, also if you were a man you must be called Steve or Graham and if you were a woman you had to be called Helen or Nikki. People with any deviation from the above pre-requisites were not allowed to play.
When a player was selected to play a game Mr O'Brien would instantly start frothing at the mouth and running around the maze in a frenzied fashion. He would then show the team member into a room and inform them how long they would have to play the game, usually between 2 and 3 minutes. Regardless of how long the game would last the team member would inevitably stand in the room with a vacant, blank expression whilst the rest of the team shouted at them through the door giving them instructions and generally being cretinous.
A few of the games were to be fair impossible but most were ridiculously easy, unfortunately Mr O'Brien and his researchers picked a team of absolute fuckwits every week. Some of these twats were barely able to grasp and understand their own surroundings let alone steer a remote control car through a small model landscape. How these idiots held down jobs was a mystery but occasionally even the dumbest of the dumb managed to beat the game and win a crystal. The celebrations following this small victory were legendary and the looks on the faces of the adventurers would usually fall somewhere between a mid-sized orgasm and winning a million quid on a scratch card.
Eventually when the team had played games in each zone they would take the crystals they had won (usually 4) to the Crystal Dome which was a large dome shaped like one of the crystals they had won. Each crystal would grant the team 5 seconds of time in the dome to collect bit of gold paper that were being disturbed by a massive fan on the floor. There were also evil silver bits of paper and if one of these was collected it cancelled out a gold one. The team had to get 50 gold tickets after any silver ones had been deducted. Should the team do this (not likely due to their collective thickness) then they would be rewarded with a prize which would normally be half a days canoeing or clay pigeon shooting.
The show was well conceived but spoiled by the brain dead (but excellently coiffured)competitors that were partaking each week. The show was of a scale that had not been seen before and the actual area of the Crystal Maze was the size of 4 football pitches, making it the only man made structure you can see from space.
I give it 5 on 10, good programme but spoiled by contestants that were thick as pig shit.
The Crystal Maze
This show was conceived by its host Richard O'Brien, it was hi-tech, totally new and cost a bomb to make. The premise was that a team of six adventurers would enter the Crystal Maze which was divided into 4 zones. Aztec, Futuristic, Industrial and Council Estate Back Alley. Within each section the adventurers played a series of games which were split into, physical, mental, skill and mystery catergories. The team captain would choose which member would play each game. Should the adventurer succeed and beat the game they would win a crystal which was worth 5 seconds of time in the Crystal Dome, more of this later.
The team consisted of 6 strangers, 3 men and 3 women, the women had to have crazy hair and the men had to have massive taches. In order to be selected to go on the show you had to either be a computer programmer or estate agent, also if you were a man you must be called Steve or Graham and if you were a woman you had to be called Helen or Nikki. People with any deviation from the above pre-requisites were not allowed to play.
When a player was selected to play a game Mr O'Brien would instantly start frothing at the mouth and running around the maze in a frenzied fashion. He would then show the team member into a room and inform them how long they would have to play the game, usually between 2 and 3 minutes. Regardless of how long the game would last the team member would inevitably stand in the room with a vacant, blank expression whilst the rest of the team shouted at them through the door giving them instructions and generally being cretinous.
A few of the games were to be fair impossible but most were ridiculously easy, unfortunately Mr O'Brien and his researchers picked a team of absolute fuckwits every week. Some of these twats were barely able to grasp and understand their own surroundings let alone steer a remote control car through a small model landscape. How these idiots held down jobs was a mystery but occasionally even the dumbest of the dumb managed to beat the game and win a crystal. The celebrations following this small victory were legendary and the looks on the faces of the adventurers would usually fall somewhere between a mid-sized orgasm and winning a million quid on a scratch card.
Eventually when the team had played games in each zone they would take the crystals they had won (usually 4) to the Crystal Dome which was a large dome shaped like one of the crystals they had won. Each crystal would grant the team 5 seconds of time in the dome to collect bit of gold paper that were being disturbed by a massive fan on the floor. There were also evil silver bits of paper and if one of these was collected it cancelled out a gold one. The team had to get 50 gold tickets after any silver ones had been deducted. Should the team do this (not likely due to their collective thickness) then they would be rewarded with a prize which would normally be half a days canoeing or clay pigeon shooting.
The show was well conceived but spoiled by the brain dead (but excellently coiffured)competitors that were partaking each week. The show was of a scale that had not been seen before and the actual area of the Crystal Maze was the size of 4 football pitches, making it the only man made structure you can see from space.
I give it 5 on 10, good programme but spoiled by contestants that were thick as pig shit.
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